{Relationship Stories} Guarded

{photo via}

I'm hanging out on the Lower East Side at happy hour with wo of my girlfriends and after a few five-dollar lychee martinis, I get started with some details about this thing I've got going on with The Guy.

Specifically the fact that I'm all screwed up when it comes to dating and relationships and that I might kinda, sorta, really benefit from seeing a therapist.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Sigh. Catch yourself up by reading this. And then bear with me as I share my theory, y'all. 

I talk a lot about my past on this corner of the web -- my crazy, unstable, and very, very messy upbringing. At the age of five, I was a witness to my family getting evicted from an apartment that I lived in since birth. I was five-years-old. Five! Let that marinate for a minute. 

That night (when I was five-years-old... five!), we slept in a shelter, which is where we stayed for the next couple weeks until my mother took us to my maternal grandmother's house. And so began the crazy, unstable, emotional roller-coaster that would be my life.

I was in and out of foster homes, enduring emotional and physical abuse, not really feeling like there was someone around to protect me and look out for my well-being. (Well, not anyone other than my sister. But she's three years older than me so she didn't have that much power to be the grown-up that I needed in my life. She tried though.) 

I learned a few things from that upbringing... Resilience. Heck, look it up in the dictionary and you just might find the biography of Alicia Harper. Faith. I had to trust in God to get me through those years of hell. (He never said the weapon wouldn't form; He said it wouldn't prosper -- Isaiah 54:17). Optimism. I needed to look forward to a better tomorrow in order to make it through my today. Love. Kindness. Joy. Hard work. Independence. Drive. And a slew of other qualities that makes me the Mommy Delicious that I am today.

For that, I'm thankful.

I managed to get a full scholarship to a great university and I truly looked forward to the life that I'd create as a grown-up, which, I proclaimed, would be nothing like the one I had growing up.  

Fast forward a few years to my first serious adult relationship. Aiden's otherparent. After enduring emotional, financial, and physical abuse, we all know how that one ended -- not good. I still suffer from PTSD and have flashbacks of those incidents from time to time -- it's not easy to get through that kind of trauma. I went through a year of therapy after that and it really helped me to pick up the pieces of my life, learn some hard and heavy lessons, and move forward.

Resilience, at its finest. 

What's crazy and freaky and mind-blowing is the way the cycle of events works. I left the drama of my upbringing only to create it once again in my adult life. And I barely escaped it in my adult-life. 

See what I'm talking about when I say I need therapy? More therapy?  

I guess we have a tendency to gravitate towards things that are familiar to us. There's comfort in that, even if it's unhealthy. 

The thing about the horrific events that have taken place in my life is, while they've helped me to learn so much about the great things about life, they've left me shattered. And guarded.

Extremely guarded. Abnormally guarded.

The scars of my past have made me very protective of my thoughts and feelings and situations in my life, and I don't know how to share them with others. (Except for when it comes to writing. I can put it all out there in an article or blog post.)  

Enter The Guy. He's nice and sweet and smart and handsome and honest and comes from a good family and wants to build something with me. He's the guy I've been praying for! 

During the cocktail therapy session with my girls (hey, it's cheaper than a regular therapy session), I went on and on and on about my guardedness. (Is that even a word?) I've been guarded for so long, not really letting anyone in my heart for so long, maintaining these superficially relationships with folks that I genuinely care about for so long.

Sigh.  

I'm finally at a point in my life where I don't have to be this way anymore... and I don't know how not to be this way. Here I have this perfectly good (and good-to-me and good-for-me) guy who just wants to love me and like me and go at this thing together... and I don't know how to let him. I want to be successful at this, but I, must admit, I don't know how to do this. (My Type-A personality is not okay with this, by the way.)

He's been patient, I guess. But we're at the point where he's starting to think that I'm hiding things from him. But I'm not. Not intentionally anyhow. I genuinely don't find it necessary to share certain things with him. 

He's all like, "But... we're trying to build something together, why wouldn't you think to tell me about that?"

And I'm all like, "Uh... uh... I need more time to process your question and formulate a response."

I don't think that's gonna work for much longer though.

I take another sip of my lychee martini and I spill it all out to my girls. They sit there and listen to me, order more martinis with me, wallow when necessary, validate my feelings, and lean in for hugs when I need them. Then they give it to me straight and tell me that, yes, I do in fact need to speak with a therapist about my guardedness (It is a word. I'm proclaiming it.) 

Gotta love girl talk.

{This post was first published on Mommy Delicious on October 27, 2013. And it's about HEB. We're coming up on six years in this relationship thing.}

{Relationship Stories} Making Adjustments

Me: Wanna know the difference between me and you? I came home, picked August up from daycare, stopped at the store to pick up more garbage bags and paper towels before coming home, came home, made dinner the kids, did August’s laundry, folded them, put them away, fed August, gave him a bathe, and got him ready for bed, read with Aiden, and hung up the pictures in the living room. You came home from work and watched TV on the bed while eating chips. You only went to the store after I asked you to buy a new pacifier for August. I’m tired too. You could have helped me with something. 

HEB: Or… you could have asked me to help. 

Me (In my head): This !@#$ing a—hole! Did he really just say that to me? What the entire f@#k?! 

Me (out loud): Or… you could have gotten off your ass and actually helped me?

HEB and I officially moved in together a few months ago after unofficially living together for the past few years. As in, both of our names are on the lease. As in, “oh crap! It just got real.” As in, he can’t go home when he needs time to himself and I can’t ask him to go home when I need space. As in, we’re in the same space. All. The Time. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week.

Needless to say, we’ve been making adjustments. I’ve been making adjustments. Not only on the space itself by getting my Fixer-Upper-meets-Property-Brothers-meets-House-Hunters-Renovations on (check out my upgrades to the boys’ bedroom and stay tuned for more updates!), but also on myself. And my expectations for what it means to live with another adult. Again.

It’s been… interesting.

Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love…

Here’s the thing: it’s not all cuddles on the couch while watching Love Jones and creating our own love jones story. It’s not all family game night and everyone playing nicely and eating ice cream and popcorn from the same container. It’s not all peaches and cream. (What up, 112?)

It’s messy. And sloppy.

Literally. Because he's really sloppy and he doesn’t clean up after himself. Still.

It’s going back and forth about who is more tired and who is going to go over the boys’ room in the middle of the night when August wakes up crying. It’s figuring out the division of labor and making sure that it’s “fair.”

It’s him drinking out of the juice bottle instead of pouring the damn thing in a glass and me getting upset about it. Again.

Another again.

It’s him telling me that I’m upset over one “little” thing and me explaining that I’m actually annoyed over 15 different little things that actually adds up to one big thing.

Again.

It’s not talking to each other or not listening to each other or not talking to each other in a way that the other person will understand it and receive it. It’s figuring out communication styles and then coming back to the drawing board because we just gotta get this thing right.

It’s… hard.

I know I misbehaved and you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow…

It’s passionate arguments and going to our separate corners and coming back to the drawing board. Again.

Another again.

It’s happiness and frustration. And intimacy and loneliness. And pettiness and growth. Lots of personal growth. It’s… making adjustments.

And you know what? Sometimes it is peaches and cream and hugs and snuggles and speaking each other’s love language.

And that makes it all worth it. 

Podcasting On Dating, Relationships, and Love

All this time, I thought I was only interested in writing... blogging... communicating online. So when I was invited to be interviewed on DRL Dating, Relationships, and Love with Tennesha Wood, I hesitated.

Naturally.

I thought, What can I possibly say to a young, single mother that I didn't already write in a blog post?

And... What if I don't have anything to say? What if I suck at this whole 'talking-it-out' thing?

And when Tennesha told me that she doesn't provide guests with questions in advance, I was thisclose to canceling.

Word up!

But I stopped myself from sabotaging myself, I got out of my own way, I acknowledged my fears and insecurities... And I did it anyway.

And you know what?

It was so much fun!

Over amaretto sours, Tennesha and I chatted about so much! How I thought I was at the top of my game at 22 having graduated from Columbia, landed a job, and lived in a hip Brooklyn neighborhood. (Man... 22-year-olds think they know e'rything! I didn't know nothing!) How I got pregnant and hit rock bottom. But most importantly, how I picked up the pieces, started dating as a single mother, and became known as Mommy Delicious.

I also talked about a few things that I've never shared here before, like how I found out Aiden's other parent was cheating on me (hint: Myspace was involved) and I dropped a few gems as well about how to maintain your sanity and sense of self as a single momma tryna find her own way and raise healthy babies.

Turns out, I don't only like writing and blogging on the Internets. I like talking too! And I don't suck at it. At all.

Check out Dear Mama, the latest podcast on DRL Dating, Relationships, and Love with Tennesha Wood featuring yours truly! You will laugh, you might get angry (in solidarity with ya girl!), and you will feel inspired.

Oh, and tell a friend to tell a friend!

Right In the Thick of Love

Who wants that perfect love story anyway, anyway?...

Who wants that hero love that saves the day, anyway?...

HEB and I are sitting across from each other at the birthday party of the child of one of his co-workers. Aiden's here, HEB's son JT is here, and they're both running around with other kids, having a good time. It's the summer of 2013 and HEB is not HEB yet. He's still The Guy.

The Guy and I are sitting across from each other at the birthday party of the child of one of his co-workers. After a few months of dating, we decide to make it exclusive and, two weeks ago, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

Right now, we're mad at each other. Okay... I'm mad. We just had a stupid disagreement and I'm mad. (To be honest, as I write this post today, I'm not even sure what we were arguing over or why I was mad. That's how insignificant it was.)

I'm so mad that my impulsive reaction is to call it quits. I'd rather fly solo -- as I've always done -- than deal with any disagreement with him. I want to just walk away.

He doesn't let me. Instead, he sits me down and helps me talk through -- and work through -- whatever it was that I was mad about. He literally holds my hand as I work through my feelings.

Fast-forward to 2 1/2 years later and, at times, I still need that same hand-holding. Less often, but I still need it, nonetheless.

Here's the thing about adult romantic relationships: they don't work unless you do. And by that, I mean: you've gotta know how to be in an adult romantic relationship in order to make it successful. You've got to be dedicated to having some serious on-the-job training.

And by "you," I mean "me."

Obviously.

One thing that I've learned about myself in these past couple of years in my relationship with HEB is that I knew nothing about what it took to actually be in an adult romantic relationship. A true, meaningful, mature adult relationship. I had my thoughts. I knew (know) that it takes love and understanding and patience and selflessness. All those things that those self-help this-is-how-you-succeed-at-love books teach you. But to know it and KNOW it are two completely different things...

Stupid arguments. How I handle them is always the deciding factor in how much I've grown -- or not -- in this relationship. Stupid arguments. You know, the ones you can't even remember two weeks after the fact. Stupid arguments. They almost always make me feel like this thing with him isn't working and my impulsive reaction is that I just need to fly solo. As I've always done. As I'm used to doing.

So I try to leave.

Again.

Right in the thick of love.

At times we get sick of love...

Ugh! I kinda hate this about myself. I do this all the time. This I-would-be-better-off-alone-than-deal-with-this thing. I always feel this way after an argument -- like the argument itself means it's over. Or it should be over. Or it's too hard and would be easier if I flew solo.

So I try to leave.

Again.

Another again.

He's patient with me as I try to work through this. I take two steps forward. I go several weeks at a time without doing it. And I relapse. And take one step backwards. But then... he helps me come back to the drawing board and helps me take the time to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.

I want this. I want to be in this with him and grow together and be a family and live happily ever after.

But happily ever after doesn't exist. Not for me, anyway. I have to work at it and choose to do the work. Every. Single. Day. I know this. But knowing it and KNOWING it are two different things.

These disagreements, they paralyze me. As crazy as it sounds, they make me feel like it's over. HEB knows this.

It's fear, I know. I need to get over this fear, I know. But it's kinda sorta really easier to call it quits than to work through the fear.

Sigh.

That's my "thing" and I'm working on it. 

He's got his thing(s) too. Matter of fact, there've been times that he's done things to make me say, "What the eff?!" And find it hard to forgive him. But I forgive anyway. 

Because sometimes it's about two people learning to forgive each other and say "We're in this together."

I'm still a work in progress. I've got a lot to learn. So does he.

We've both still got room left to grow.

Acknowledgment is the first step. 

Motherhood, Part Two

If you've been keeping up with Mommy Delicious on Instagram, then you may already know that yesterday I shared some pretty exciting news!

Baby Delicious is on the way and will be here December 2015!

I remember when I was pregnant with Aiden. I remember being in a constant state of shock and denial and how-on-Earth-did-I-get-here that I was mostly doing things on auto-pilot. And because I know I needed to do them for the health of my baby.

I remember feeling so scared and unsure of the future and overwhelmed and judged. And sometimes paralyzed.

But it's been really different, this pregnancy. Maybe it's because I'm in my thirties now or because I've reached a more secure place in my career or maybe because Im a little more self-confident... I'm not quite sure. But I like this feeling. I like knowing what I want this pregnancy. I like being able to confidently say what I want and to do things on my timeline. It feels good.

We're happy, HEB and I. And we're excited to begin the process of blending our families together and all that jazz.

It's like Motherhood part two. And it's such a blessing.

{Personal Style} Bardot Tops and Midi Dresses

dress: River Island | shoes: Elle | clutch: Aldo Accessories | stacked bracelets: Stella&Dot

"A wedding?! I could handle weddings!"

That's the first thing Aiden said to me when he found out I was traveling to Atlanta for the weekend and he was staying in NYC.

"Oh, I know why I can't come. Because they're gonna be serving drinks that are not for kids there. But they might have water too, right? But I don't really want to drink water that much. I like apple juice."

Yes, Aiden... that's exactly why you couldn't come. #SenseTheSarcasm

gotta love a beautiful wedding cake... and a selfie! 

Over the weekend, HEB and I headed to Atlanta for the wedding of one of his closest friends. Since I'm sorta kinda maybe falling out of love with mini dresses (are you allowed to wear them as often as I was wearing 'em passed the age of 30?!), I decided to think of another assest to highlight (I love my legs, but my shoulders and collarbone are close seconds).

Enter the mega-flattering bardot top.

When I spotted this off-the shoulder coral bodycon midi dress, I had to have. HEB was all like, "Umm... where are you gonna go with that dress." And I was all like, "Umm... I live in NYC, I'll find a place to wear it to, duh!"

And then the wedding gave me the best excuse to rock the dress.

via the River Island website

The dress features an invisible zipper in the back, hugs in all the right places, and is designed with a 1950's/1960's-inspired bardot neckline for a uber-glamorous finish. I paired it with floral peep-toe pumps and a nude clutch, both of which complimented the coral dress perfectly.

We had a fun, flirty time, especially in the photo/video booth...

#NoBehavior
#SophisticatedIgnorance (That's a Kanye reference.)

And I even managed to bring Aiden back a souvenir -- the complimentary cinnamon cookies that Delta Air gives out to passengers. I hyped the cookies up so much that he was SO excited to eat 'em. After eating them, he said, "We have to learn how to make these cookies!" Score! 

Hope you all had a great weekend. Thankfully, Spring has finally sprung so the good weather is here to stay. (Hopefully.) Stay stylish!

{Relationship Stories} On Learning to Be Loved. For Real This Time.

We're sitting on my living room couch on a Sunday evening talking about how much we like each other, the fun we have when we're together, and where we want this thing to do.

He, Hazel Eyes Babe (HEB) and I.

It's a couple weeks after our weekend trip to Atlanta and things have been good between us since coming back from the trip. Like really, really good. I still have a crush on him, and get butterflies and jitters whenever I know we're gonna see each other and we're in really strong like.

He asks me to be his girlfriend and I say, "Yes."

This is the beginning. Of something good. Of me learning that I deserve to be loved. Of me learning how to accept love. For real this time.

Not gonna lie, I went into my relationship with HEB kicking and screaming. Kinda. Sorta. Not because I didn't like him and think he'd be a great boyfriend. I did. And he is.

I wanted it, but I was scared. Kinda. Sorta. 

I wanted it, but I hesitated. I wanted it, but I was full of "what-ifs." I wanted it -- really badly -- but I was choosing fear over faith. Fear over love and healing and all things whole.

I wanted it, but I was kicking and screaming and fronting with my I'm-a-tough-girl-and-I-got-this pose.

But he.

He saw right through it and loved me with patience and kindness and all things whole. HEB always jokes about how he attributes the fact that we're even in a relationship to his persistance and perseverance, and I can't even lie -- it's true. Kinda. Sorta.

Being in a relationship with him forced me to do some heart-work, soul-work, and mind-work. Because I'm learning that I can't be happy with a closed-off heart. I'm learning how to open up my heart, how to have the strength to be vulnerable, and most importantly, how to do both of these things gracefully.

Because that's important.

I'm learning that the ghosts of my relationship's past don't need to affect my relationship's present. Or future. That my life history -- and my romantic history -- don't define me and shouldn't confine me. Not anymore. Not this time.

I won't put HEB on a pedestal or anything -- that kind of exaltation is only reserved for God. Matter of fact, he's far from perfect. He's sloppy and sometimes annoying and sometimes doesn't catch on to a joke fast enough. Which sometimes makes it very, very hard to crack inside jokes with him. (And that's something that I really, really love to do.)

He minimizes things that are a big deal to me. Sometimes. He's stubborn as hell. Sometimes. And he downright gets on my last nerve. Sometimes.

But he's caring and kind and loves patiently. And he challenges me to try to be better at this whole relationship thing. Most of the time.

And that's all I could really ask for.

And so.

Instead of kicking and screaming and fronting with my I'm-a-tough-girl-and-I-got-this pose, I'm deciding to look in the mirror, work on my heart and my soul and myself and embrace the love that I deserve.

For real this time. 

{Relationship Stories} Lessons From Almost Two Years In

"You're right... your apartment is a lot more sloppy when I'm here."

The Guy and I are sitting on my living room couch, comfy and cozy and watching TV on a Friday night. He's referring to a conversation we had a few days ago about our opposite styles. 

I scan the living room. His sneakers are in the middle of the floor; his jeans are also in the middle of the floor -- right next to his sneakers. (He's wearing basketball shorts people... get your minds out of the gutter.) The contents of his backpack have somehow spilled out onto the floor; and his coat never made it's way to the closet.

It's almost as if he's never been introduced to a hanger. Or a closet. Like... ever. I mean, I'm pretty sure hangers and closets were on strike the day his mother (who's a very lovely person, by the way) was teaching him how to clean up after himself. To say that he's tidy-challenged is an understatement. To me, he's kind of a slob. It's bad -- Michael Jackson bad -- and it drives me crazy.

But I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff and not major in the minor things. And that's just one of the things that I'm learning in this crazy little thing called love.

It's coming up on two years since I've changed my Facebook status to "In A Relationship," and even though I'm a total newbie at this thing, I gotta admit that I've been schooled once or twice (or thrice!) along the way.

After being in a toxic relationship for so long and playing the [sometimes fun, but always exhausting] dating game for so long, I gotta say: being in a healthy relationship feels... nice. Safe. Comforting. Warm-and-fuzzy-and-butterflies-in-my-stomach-because-he's-mine-all-mine good.

And I like it. A lot.

Not just because it feels good, but because I'm learning a lot. About myself. About him. About togetherness and teamwork and what it takes to maintain a healthy partnership. 

I'm learning that to be in a true deep and loving relationship, it'll sometimes bring up things about me that are unlovable. Like when I'm being stubborn and unwilling to compromise. Or when I'm saying that everything is "fine," but I give him the silent treatment for an hour... or five. (#DontJudgeMe)

I'm learning to talk it out, to trust the process of becoming closer to another person, and trust that there is someone out there who'd love me. Regardless. 

I learned to take the layers off and to take the makeup off and try -- just try -- to be a little less guarded. 

I'm learning that he and I are not one and the same. We have different view points on many, many, many things. But that's okay because we always see eye-to-eye on the things that matter. Like church. And family. And being kind-hearted people. 

I'm learning to embrace who I am. Fully. With all of the layers and dimensions and feelings and emotions. To hold on to what makes me me. To hold on to my friendships and to always remember the healing power of Girls Night Out. (#TrustMeOnThis)

I'm learning that I can be strong and independent and vulnerable... all at the same time. And that I can cry. Boy, can I cry! Sometimes loudly, sometimes uncontrollably, but always safely in front of him.

I'm learning to ask for what I want before I get all worked up about what I thought he should already know. (#ButHeCantReadMinds #ImJustSaying) 

But most importantly, I'm learning how to have true grit and resilience with matters of the heart. You see, I've pretty much figured out how to do these things when it comes to being successful in life. But when it comes to love? Eh, not so much. But I'm learning. Everyday, I'm learning...

With him, there's been no guessing, no game-playing, no "what-ifs". There's no chasing or running around or wondering if this could be something special. It is something special. I deserve something special.

I know this. 

And I like it. A lot. 

Oh, and I'm gonna start referring to him as Hazel Eyes Babe. Because he's got the most gorgeous hazel eyes ever. And because: vanity.

I look around the living room and see Hazel Eyes Babe's sneakers in the middle of the floor, his jeans right next to them, the contents of his backpack spilled out all over my floor, and his coat nowhere near a hanger.

I shrug, "I know... it is more messy when you're here." Then I snuggle up next to him and feel safe and loved in his arms.

And I like this. A lot.

Start Where You Are and Walk By Faith

I had a pretty good run in 2014. No matter how many "misses" I experienced -- and there were plenty -- I also experienced many "hits." No matter what was behind the success, there was success. Much success.

Mommy Delicious received amazing and thoughtful features on other websites. Like New York Family Magazine for their Bloggers We Love list. And UBLUSH Magazine for a very raw and real coming-of-age  interview with me. And Hello Beautiful for their Mommy Bloggers to Follow list. 

I got to speak on a panel for the first time and really tapped into a passion that I never knew existed. (This year, I'm looking forward to taking my brand offline and engaging with live audiences.)

I crossed something off my professional bucket list by becoming an adjunct professor. Woot!

I had some very real conversations with myself and with you about the cycle of domestic violence and why victims stay. Aiden's other parent resurfaced and it made me realize that, even after years, domestic violence and PTSD can still have debilitating effects on victims. But I got my power back. *Does praise dance*

Aiden and I enjoyed so much that NYC has to offer with many events and activities, I shared some of my personal style, I shared some of Aiden's kids style, and we traveled. (A full post is coming soon.) Because, let's face it: experiences outweigh things any day.

I laughed, cried, prayed, learned to love and be loved, tried some new things, failed at them, made a few mistakes, endured growing pains, and succeeded. 

Eventually.

After all, success is not effortless. It's not without calculated risks. It's not without trial and error. It's not without mistakes. 

But it is there. If you're willing to work smart for it.

The one thing I learned in 2014 and the one thing that I intend to take with me into the new year is this: start where you are, use what you have, and walk by faith.

It's not about things being perfect or "knowing it all" because the fact of the matter is that things won't be perfect and you won't know everything.

But you gotta start. Somewhere. And you gotta build on it. Because that's how you make your dreams come true and that's how you reach your goals.

Here's to a great 2015! It's no longer a warm-up and it's no longer practice time. It's game time, folks!

Who's ready?!

{Dating Tales} I Miss Being Single

Okay, okay... maybe that tittle is a little provocative. I don't miss being single per se, and I definitely don't miss the bang ups and hang ups and bad dates (although they made for some funny blog posts) and the missed opportunities of the dating scene.

But I do find that as I'm learning to navigate this relationship with The Guy -- and all the responsibilities that go along with being in my first functional adult romantic relationship -- I do miss feeling competent at what I'm doing.

Does that make sense?

Lemme explain...

I got real good real fast at being single, partially because being single only had to do with me. Now, I'm here, learning the ropes of what it means to be in a solid relationship and it's more that just me. In fact, more often that not, I'm learning that it's not about me. It's about us. And what's best for the both of us.

Growing pains. At its finest.

And while I've been so focused on my relationship (and motherhood and work and adjunct professoring and blogging and speaking engagements), I've neglected my friendships over the past few months.

(Is that normal? Please tell me that that's normal!)

And don't even get me started on the fact that I'm so used to things going south that I've been waiting for something bad to happen in this perfectly fine and good relationship.

(Is that normal? Please tell me that that's normal too!)

Oh... and I really miss my friends. The hanging out, the trying out of new restaurants and neighborhoods in NYC, the rooftop lounges... it's what made me feel safe and sane, and quite frankly, keep my ish together. In essence, it's what made me me. And I miss that. And, more importantly, I miss them.

My solution? Get some balance in my life that includes nurturing my friendships. So I've been making plans with them -- all of them -- over the next few weeks. Brunch with A and T this week, brunch with LB over the weekend, happy hour with Linds next week, and the On The Run tour with K, K, and L the week after next. (And, please believe, there's more where that came from!)

The Guy is great and I'm so happy we found each other, but I know myself well enough to know that I need my friends in my life -- on a consistent basis -- as well. I'm still learning how to successfully navigate this relationship thing. So I guess these feelings are normal and expected, right?

(If they're not... humor me.)

Sigh. We complain when we're single and we got something to say when we're all boo'ed up too.

Bear with me, y'all. I'm still a work in progress.

{Personal Style} This Is 30

dress: River Island | shoes (not shown): Aldo 

I turned 30 on April 26th. And I was excited to celebrate it by enjoying a romantic dinner for two with The Guy. Little did I know I was in for a sweet surprise...

The Guy coordinated with my girls L and K to throw me a surprise dinner party. He actually secretly looked through my phone, found their phone numbers, reached out to them, and planned the entire shindig. Then, he contacted some of my other friends (by going through my phone again... yup, uh huh, he did that!), got their email addresses, and sent out Evites. The night of the dinner party, L was responsible for bringing the cake (he ordered it a few weeks beforehand) and K was responsible for picking up the balloons (which he also picked out and ordered a few days beforehand.)

I was really surprised when I arrived at the restaurant because I had no idea who was going to be there. I just looked around the table in awe, my heart filled with happiness. I may or may not have repeatedly said, "Oh, wow... you're here too!"

There was a cake. There were cocktails. There were balloons. There was love and laughter and good times with good people.

I wore a knee-length bodycon dress that features a half sleeve. It was color-blocked to perfection, and even matched my balloons and cake! (I'm not sure if he actually planned it that way, but I did show him the dress beforehand...)

It was a great way to start a new decade and to celebrate love and life!

Babe... ya' did good!

{Dating Tales} Learning to Show "The Real Me"

Sometimes it takes a functional romantic relationship for folks to figure out all the stuff they've dealt with in previous dysfunctional relationships, romantic or otherwise. And by "folks," I mean me. And by "stuff," I mean a whole lotta shi-- er, crap. 

Such is my current situation with The Guy. A few weeks ago, we were in the middle of a conversation when he said, "Things are fine with us, but they would be better if you didn't try so hard to keep things from me." Or something like that. I don't quite remember what he said because I was too busy being offended to actually process his exact words. 

But then I did process his words. And I realized that I might could probably have a few issues that I need to deal with. 

Thing is, I've conditioned myself to cover the crappy parts of my life up and make them look all pretty and neat. Heck, I should have gotten three degrees in that! It was a skill that I learned very early on — from like, the second grade when one of my classmates asked me, "How come you don't live with your real momma?" Umm… I responded with a pretty white lie. *Shrugs.* 

Throughout the rest of my schooling, I learned how to cover things up and hide them from my friends. I learned how to wear a smile and look like everything's okay even though I was hurting on the inside. I learned how to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and just "suck it up" and deal with it. I wore my burdens so lightly that they just became apart of me — almost like make-up. Or breathing. I learned how to fake it, and hey, practice makes permanent, so I totally conditioned myself to hide the real me from others. 

Blame it on embarrassment. Blame it on shame. Blame it on fear of judgement. Whatever it was, I was very protective of my life's circumstances and very private with my business. But that's the thing about acting from a place of fear and not from a place of love — other people didn't get to know and experience the real me. And that's pretty tragic. 

These days, I'm learning that there is some greater reason I had to go through all of those things. Sharing my story and sharing my testimony not only helps other people in their situations, but it helps me as well. It helps me know that I'm more than my situation and more than my past. It helps me to realize that I should be proud of the real me, and proud to share myself stories with others. 

And that's the thing about functional relationships —romantic or otherwise — they challenge us in ways we never thought possible and push us to be our best selves. I'm growing. And the growing pains are more than a little uncomfortable, but in a good way. 

I can thank The Guy for that. 

From Likable to Lovable

When I got word that one of my mentors in my head, Ernst Cochy, was coming out with a book for single folks or single folks in a dating relationship, I couldn't wait to get my hands on it. The Guy and I decided to change our Facebook status to "in a relationship" a couple months ago (because, you know, that's what makes it officially "official") and, as you already know, I've got some work to do.

(So does he, but I only have control over my actions and my reactions, right? Right. But I digress.)

Enter the book.



From Likable to Lovable: Your Path to Finding True Love is like a warm, comforting hug from that cool older brother you've always wanted. I read it. Twice. In fact, I devoured it! Because, all throughout the book, Mr. Cochy shares stories, drops information, and kicks knowledge like it's nobody's business. And he does all of this while keeping it all the way real.

I learned so much from the book, but two things will particularly stick with me for a long time:

Stop operating from a place of fear.

"When you relate to people from a standpoint of fear, you focus primarily on yourself and on how you look in the other person's eyes... But when you relate to people from a standpoint of love, you focus mainly on the person to whom you are relating, and to their comfort, enjoyment, and well-being."

Gospel!

I've definitely been guilty of this in past, err, "situationships." It's pretty sad when I think about it though, because I never really showed them my true self. It was a persona of who I thought they wanted me to be.

I'm still learning how to let my guard down, communicate more effectively, and just show my true self to folks. (And by "folks," I mean "The Guy.") It's still a struggle that I try to work through on a daily basis, but reading that I'm operating from a place of fear -- and not love -- was eye-opening and was definitely a moment of revelation for me. 

Don't hide romantic relationships from friends and family. 
Perhaps I already knew this one deep down inside. I learned it the hard way with Aiden's other parent. When he and I first met, I didn't introduce him to any of my close friends or family members. Maybe deep down inside I was afraid that they'd tell me, "No girl, he ain't the one for you." Or "You in danger, girl" (name that reference!). But either way, I kept our relationship pretty much a secret.  (There I go operating from a place of fear again.)

In the book, Cochy lets us know the importance of introducing a potential partner to close friends and family members -- because they can discern if this person is a good catch for you or not. So far, I've introduced The Guy to my close friends and family, the pastor of my childhood church, my godparents, who are very much like parents to me, and other folks. And so far, he's gotten very good reviews. Score! 

There are so many more teachable moments in the book that my pencil and highlighter were on fire. (Yes, I still read actual books. No, I'm not an iPad or Kindle kind-of-girl. Yes, I still like the feeling of turning pages. Yes, I'm old-school like that.)

From Likable to Lovable is a true guide book for love. The belief of love and its power, the love of oneself, the love of others, the love of God. It teaches in a very casual way, almost as if you're having dinner with a older friend and he's sharing stories and lessons learned and been-there-done-that advice. If you're single and thinking about dating or if you're in a dating relationship, this is a really good book for you.

Head over to the website to order your copy. Read it. Twice. (You're welcome.) 

{Disclaimer: I was provided with a copy of From Likable to Lovable in order to facilitate this review. All opinions expressed herein are my own.}

{Dating Tales} Keeping the Online Dating Profile Open

Having freelanced for HowAboutWe.com's The Date Report and having worked with the site on a few campaigns, including starting an online dating profile, going on a few dates, and attempting to find "Mr. Right," I was pretty excited when I found out that the online dating site was getting all couple-y.

HowAboutWe for Couples is a site where couples can book dates together. And, ya know, start dating again with those butterflies-in-the-stomach, this-is-a-great-first-date type of feeling. But without that awkward I-don't-know-how-this-is-going-to-go, this-is-like-a-job-interview-with-cocktails kind of way. After all, the entire premise of HowAboutWe is to get offline and go on dates. Fast. 

Naturally, the section of the site that's geared towards couples would focus on the same thing. HowAboutWe for Couples provides a monthly curated selection of cool dates in New York City, which ranges from a five-course tasting to cooking classes to themed-dates (read: Haunted House dates around Halloween) to tango classes.

Between shuttling Aiden to and from school, all of his weekend extracurricular activities, and getting ready for my little guy to turn six, this delicious single momma needed a bit of sexy fun. Sooner than later.

So I used HowAboutWe for Couples sign up for a Wine Tasting and Tango class with The Guy. I figured we needed to release some tension, especially after dealing with my guardedness and all the other issues I've had to power through. All I did was book the date through the site, and HowAboutWe took care of the rest -- the planning, the reservations, and telling me where to show up. A bonus? The tip was already included when I made the reservation.

Tangoing is typically not my style, but I vowed to go on different types of dates this year, and so... it was fun to try out. We learned a new dance style, got to be silly, and we got to flirt and be sexy. Plus, I was able to get my grown woman on.

And now, I'm ready for another date. A boozy brunch or a city cruise is currently calling my name. And I'm happy that I can keep my online dating profile open, even if it's just to browse and book dates for The Guy and me. 

HowAboutWe for Couples membership is $18/month and it'll give you access to free HowAboutWe dates, up to 75% off every date in the collection, members-only services, one FREE date, early booking on new dates, and couples rewards (ie: buy one, get one free). Afraid of commitment? No worries! Membership requires no commitment and you can pause or cancel at any time. You can also purchase dates as a non-member, without the member discount.

Happy dating!

{Disclosure: I received free subscription to HowAboutWe for Couples in order to facilitate this review. All opinions expressed herein are my own.}

{Dating Tales} Baby Steps

Remember this post? It went a little something like this...

It’s been a few weeks that The Guy and I have been hanging out. I kinda like him.

We’ve spent time alone on dates and we’ve spent time together with Aiden. This is a first for me. I usually don’t introduce my dates to Aiden.

I enjoy his company and have a really good time whenever I’m with him. The entire “situationship” feels pretty grown up to me. And that’s a good thing.

But there’s this thing about communication. A couple weeks ago I wrote this post about how I maybe kinda sorta might could possibly be an ineffective communicator when it comes to romantic relationships.

And it’s true. I am.  

I have a cycle that goes a little something like this: I have a disagreement with a guy. I get angry. I shut down. I think not-so-nice things to myself that I’d like to say, but wouldn’t say because, well, it’s not-so-nice. I shut down some more. I get silent. (If I speak, more often than not, it’s typically something sarcastic.) I think more not-so-nice things. I give a blank stare instead of responding.    

Photo via

It's no secret.

I have a little issue with communicating effectively when it comes to romantic relationships.

But I'm working on it. Baby steps, y'all. Baby steps.

And my blogging buddy, Amber (over on Talk to Amber) is giving me (and e'erbody else who needs it!) some tips and tricks on how to communicate.

Effectively. 

She's kicking lots of knowledge in her post, Silence, Sarcasm, and Shutting Down, and one of the things that she's suggesting to do is to make small changes. When you feel yourself shutting down, say something to the other person along the lines of this:

"The direction this conversation is taking is making me ___________ (uncomfortable, upset, frustrated, overwhelmed, etc). I usually shut down when I’m feeling that way. Can we pause for a moment so I can collect my thoughts and get my words together?”

That's just one of the gems that Amber shares. Head over to her website to read the entire post and find out how to get on the path of communicating effectively. You deserve to be understood and effective communication is just the beginning. 

Baby Steps, y'all. Baby steps.

{Personal Style} Golden

Dress: Bebe | Shoes: Aldo | Earrings, clutch, ring: Aldo accessories | Lips: Rimmel London Berry Rose | Eyes: Bobbi Brown

Over the weekend, I left NYC and headed to Atlanta, Georgia to witness the cutest couple say, "I do." I had a great time touring the city, visiting the aquarium, going to different restaurants and lounges, and shopping (of course!).

I also got my nails done, hair done, everything did. Oh, I'm fancy, huh? (That was a Drake reference.)

The wedding ceremony was really beautiful, and the reception was... well, my kind of party. Good music, good dancing, great drinks, great times... who could ask for more?!

[Gown #1: Stunning]

[Gown #2: Gorg]

[tall centerpieces]

[smaller center pieces]

I wore a one-shoulder, two-toned gold mini-dress that highlighted my best features (read: legs) and complimented my skin tone. Score! The two-toned gold and aqua 5-inch peep-toe pumps that I found while shopping were a really good fit with the dress. I saw them in the store and couldn't leave without them. And I fully intend on rocking the life out of them all Summer long. You've been warned.

The Atlanta heat and humidity did a number on my hair, but that didn't stop me from working up a sweat on the dance floor and having a good time. It was the perfect way to kick off the month of June, one that's shaping up to be pretty epic.

Stay tuned.

The Guy and I were dates for the wedding and that was nice. Got me feeling all warm and fuzzy and good on the inside and whatnot. He "gets" me. I can be myself around him and I like that. This one? I kinda like him. But more on that later...

Stay tuned.

Have a fabulous week. Stay stylish!