On Learning How To Show Up For Myself

When in NOLA... #beignets #yum

"You look so happy!," read one of the comments on my Instagram page a couple weekends ago.

In the picture, I was smiling... I was moving... I was grooving. And I was happy.

I was in NOLA for the weekend on a self-care retreat (shout-out to all the attendees of #HereWeGrow17). For the first time in what seemed like a very long time, I put everything off to the side and I focused on myself for three days.

I listened to inspiring talks from women who reminded me to take care of me; I got a massage; I tried acupuncture; I meditated and did some yoga; I ate good food. And beignets. Lots of beignets. I ate lunch poolside and had great girl talk; I had dinner with my sister-friends and we chatted about all things love and life and getting our minds right; I walked along Bourbon Street and drank 1/3 of a Hand Grenade (that drink was strong!); I soaked in the NOLA sun and replenished my mind, body, and spirit.

It was literally just what I needed to feel rejuvenated.

Tara (the mastermind behind the entire weekend), Amber, and Yours Truly

Throughout the weekend, I kept thinking how happy I felt that I made the time for myself. And showed up for myself. Leading up to the weekend, so many things got in the way of me actually going (like childcare!) and, at one point, I remember thinking that I was just going to cancel. That would have been the easier thing to do anyway.

But I didn't do that.

I listened to my heart and listened to what I truly needed. It ended up being the best weekend that I had in a very long time. And not just because I was in a different city or away from it all. It was because I showed up for myself and gave myself the permission to just be.

And what I needed was time to be... me.

Alicia.

Not the mom. Not the girlfriend. Not the Vice Principal. Not the blogger. Not errand-runner. Not the reminder of all the things that everyone needs to do and all the places that everyone needs to go. Not the house-cleaner or the laundry-washer or the lunch-preparer or food delivery person ('cuz, let's be forreal: I hardly cook and I don't like to do it anyway.)

Just... me.

And you know what? It made me happy. Very happy.

The look on my face when I
choose to show up for myself!

Real talk: I need to do more things like this for myself. And I need to show up for myself more often. Because my needs are important too. But no one is going to honor my needs if I don't honor them first. If I need sleep, I'm going to sleep. If I need to talk to a friend, I'm going to call. If I need to cry-it-out or dance-it-out or run-it-out, I'm going to do that. If I need to take 45 minutes to myself, I'm going to take it. If I need to create a boundary because I've had enough of something, I'm going to do just that.

And everyone else is just going to have to deal. 'Cuz this delicious mommy needs to recharge if I'm gonna be any good to anyone.

Showing up for myself. It's not selfish. It's self-care.

On Embracing My Kids And Being Their Cheerleader

Aiden, 2.5 years

When Aiden was in daycare, everyday at pick-up, he’d see me, get excited, and run a full lap around the 2’s room.

Everyday. Without fail.

He was so excited to see me, to be reunited, that he’d run a full lap and then run up to me and give me a hug.

At first I’d cringe and scold him. I’d tell him to “Walk, be calm, don’t run” because, well… I was embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone to think that I was okay with him running indoors or being rowdy. And I didn’t want anyone to think he didn’t have any “brought-upsy,” so to speak.

So I cringed. And I scolded.

He was excited and I was embarrassed. And I was scolding him to stop being so... excited. 

Let that sink in for a minute.

But luckily for my kid (and for me!), he’s pretty freakin’ resilient and kept at it. Everyday at pick-up, he’d see me, get excited, run a lap around the room, and embrace me with a hug. Every single day. Despite the fact that I scolded him about it just the day before.

One day something “clicked” and I decided that I’d just not give an eff about what folks thought about that situation anymore. On my way to the daycare, I told myself that I’d see my baby and cheer him the eff on as he got excited, ran that lap around the room, and embraced me with a hug.

It was the best hug ever.

Every day since then, I validated his emotions and matched his excitement. And daycare pick-up became one of my favorite moments of the day.

August, 1.5 years

Fast forward eight years and August does the exact same thing. Everyday at daycare pick-up, my little guy sees Aiden and me, gets excited, starts clapping his hands and banging on the wall, and zooms up to us as fast as he can.

All while Aiden and I cheer him on.

Even when the teachers tell him to “be more gentle” or to “calm down,” Aiden and I hype him up and cheer him on.

Because sometimes you just have to embrace the kids that you have and be their number one cheerleader no matter what anyone thinks or says.

Thank goodness I learned that lesson eight years ago. 

Five Things I Learned While Resetting My Life in Therapy

I’m not one for keeping secrets on this space and place. I usually bare it all out there, gracefully, hopefully. When I’m struggling,you’ll know. ‘Cuz I’ll share it.

And so was the case with all the things that happened with Aiden’s other parent resurfacing andthe residual effects of that – dealing with my PTSD, dealing with Aiden’s feelings being played out in real life, and e’erthing in between.

But after months of weekly family therapy sessions, and individual therapy sessions, and monthly visits to the psychiatrist, here we are. Still standing. And Aiden’s doing really, really well. (More on that in a later post.)

Needless to say, I spent time talking. A lot. And reflecting. A lot. And processing. A lot. I took some time to reset. To listen. To learn.

Here are five things I learned from taking some much needed time to reset in therapy:

People grow and change and evolve over time. And that’s quite fine.

“I’m really unhappy with my life right now and, honestly, I feel guilty for even saying that out loud.” That was one of the first things I said to my therapist when I sat down in her office. After a little probing and processing, I discovered that since I worked so hard to create this life, I feel like I should bask in it, appreciate it, and work to sustain it. I mean, I put in the hours. I did the work. I went to grad school. I pushed and pressed and I got my dreams. So I should enjoy it now, right?

For the most part, I do. But I’m at the point in my life where I’m working towards the next step… in my career, with how I’m reaching folks through my blogging, with where I’m choosing to live and raise my babies. The next step… period. I created this life, yes. But now there’s a space between what I’ve created and where I want to go. And that’s okay. I don’t have to feel guilty about that.

It’s time for me to grow. I receive that.

Activate your village

Growing and learning and slaying in life and love and my career is village work. Caring for my babies and raising them up to be thoughtful, kind, curious, and smart and productive members of society is village work. There’s really no way around it. I’ve been through the “Do it all by myself” phase, and real talk: it ain’t where’s it’s at. Just as I can’t get to work on time without first dropping Aiden off at my girl’s house so she can walk him to school, I can’t grow and get from here to there with out activating my village and letting the folks who care love on my babies and me. I’m okay with that because it’s a sign of strength.

It’s okay to show people who you really are.

Before every therapy session, I would always do my hair, put on a nice outfit, and put on some make-up. Why? Because if I was getting ready to bare my soul and be all vulnerable and whatnot, then I could at least look put together going into the session. But that was just the armor that I used to show her how “put together” I was. Even when I felt like I was falling apart. Even when I was falling apart. But, you know what? Being perfect doesn’t stop folks from judging you – it just stops them seeing you. Like, really seeing you and getting to know the real you.

So just as I can bare it all out on this blog while hiding behind my keyboard, I’m learning to do that while standing in front of people. In real life. Because I deserve to have as many authentic relationships as I can take.

There really is a season for everything in life.

I just went through a season of standing still so that I can listen and learn, but because society tells us that something is wrong with us unless we’re always go, go, going somewhere, there were many times where I felt uncomfortable with where I was. But you know what? I was exactly where I was meant to be. Standing still. Listening. Learning. Waiting… until the time was right to make the next move.

And that was (is) quite fine.

Standing still is a pre-requisite to leveling up

After standing still, listening, and learning, it’ll be time to take what you’ve learned and level up. Just like one of my favorite quotes says, “What got you here won’t get you there.” When I first heard it, it hit my like a ton of bricks because there’s so much truth to it. In order to get to a new level, I need a new level of grace and grind, a new level of determination, a new strategy, and a way to press and push and go get my dreams. My new dreams.

I’m excited. It’s time for me to grow. It’s time for me to glow. I receive that.

Yes, I'm THAT Parent

I'm already at work and HEB is on the way to drop August off at daycare. I shoot a quick text to HEB. "Don't forget to bring the snacks and lunch that I packed for the baby!"

No answer.

"Hello!" I text again.

He texts back. He remembered to bring the snacks and lunch for August.

A few minutes later, he texts me back. "Why can't he have the snacks and lunch from the daycare."

"Send me the menu and I'll decide," I replied.

He sends me a picture of the menu.

My response? "Umm... no. He can have the lunch on certain days, but I'll pack his snacks. No fruit juice and no apple juice. Just water is fine, which is what I pack anyway. Also, he's gonna drink organic milk (which is what I pack) and not regular milk. And no super sweet snacks -- that stuff is filled with high fructose corn syrup! And no sugary cereal for breakfast -- just feed him the oatmeal before you drop him off."

HEB responds, "OMG! You're THAT parent!"

I mean... I guess you could say that I'm THAT parent. Like, when it comes to things that really matter to me. Like with food and developing somewhat healthy eating habits for Aiden and August.

I'm THAT parent who asks the daycare how often they clean off the tables after mealtime or arts and crafts. I'm THAT parent who wants to know how often toys are disinfected and if teachers are kind and caring and what exactly do they do when babies are crying. (I mean, they need to comfort my baby boy when he needs comfort.) I'm THAT parent who wants to know all the details all the time... because I need to be in the best possible position to advocate for my boys.

But I'm also THAT parent who feeds Aiden pancakes or waffles for dinner (without syrup) because I'm too tired to actually cook. Or... who lets him forego a night without showering because I'm too tired and lazy to fight him on it. Or... who goes hard for certain things while letting other equally important things fall at the waist side.

In the end, balance is key.

12 Months of August Kingston

Whew!

Baby August is one-year-old and officially a toddler! He's a walking, babbling machine without a worry in the world and I love it!

August likes:

• Food. Any food. From anyone's plate. At any time. Even if he just ate three minutes ago. 
• Opening and shutting the kitchen cabinets. Over and over and over again.
• Screaming. Especially on a crowded subway. (He likes to hear his own voice.)
• Unraveling the toilet paper in the bathroom. (Gotta remember to keep that door shut!)
• Walking up to mommy, Aiden, and HEB, resting his head on us, which is his definition of a hug
• All things Mickey Mouse (which was surprising considering Aiden was a total Barney guy)
• "Reading" books
• Eating books
• Pulling down books off of the shelves 

August dislikes:

• Detangling his hair
• Washing his hair
• Whenever anyone touches his hair
• Whenever someone doesn't share their food with him fast enough
• Being strapped in his stroller when he doesn't want to be strapped in his stroller

It's been a year of ups and downs, hits and misses for me. But for August, it's been a year of joy, warmth, and love! And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Like my friend, Kelly said, "There's nothing like August in December!" Happy, happy to my little guy! 

August Kingston, 11 Months Old

It's official... I've got a walker on my hands! August isn't fully walking on his own, but he's taking more than three-four steps, he's walking across the room without falling, and he's figuring out how to turn around without dropping to the floor. He still crawls when he needs to get to something super fast, but he's very excited to try out his new trick every chance he gets.

He also still likes pulling down all of the things so walking just makes it more exciting for him...

Halloweening 

August likes:

• Eating food (he's got four bottom teeth now -- and none on top!)
• Yanking food off of your plate if you don't feed him fast enough
• Going up to Aiden, HEB, and me and resting his head on us, which indicates that he either wants a hug, wants to be picked up, or just wants a little TLC
• Making clucking noises with his tongue 
• Attempting to make kisses noises ("Muah!")
• Clapping 
• All things Mickey Mouse
• When you sing the ABC's to him

What hope looks like... #AandA

August doesn't like:

• When Aiden closes the door to the kitchen -- or the bathroom -- so that August can't get in. (Can you say, "Waterworks"?)
• Getting dressed. Still. Ugh... that baby just wants to move around all day, everyday. 
• Getting strapped into his stroller when he's not in the mood

I had to snap this picture VERY fast because lil dude was on the move!

And... now it's time to start planning his first birthday party! All Mickey e'erythang! Who's ready?!

August Kingston, 10 Months Old

August is eating all the things (he's got three teeth now!), dragging all the things, pulling down all the things, and vocalizing about all the things he approves or disapproves of. In other words, he's really coming into his own. It's been fun -- and exhausting! -- to witness.

He recently went through a growth spurt so we've had to buy him all new clothes. That wasn't so fun for my bank account, but kids fashion is kinda my thing, so hey...

August likes:

• Eating. Real food, not just that baby puree stuff anymore. And he yells when you don't give him the food on your plate. Or when you don't give it to him fast enough. 
• Bouncing up and down while holding on to things. His crib railing, the edge of the sofa, my legs. 
• Biting. (Let's just leave it at that.)
• Standing, attempting to balance and take a step, before falling and crawling to get there faster. 
• Clapping while giggling.
• Attempting to taste people's feet. (Is that weird? Don't answer that!)
• Taking pots, pans, and containers out of the kitchen cabinets.

August doesn't like:

• Getting dressed. There's something about having to sit still for longer than five seconds that rubs this baby the wrong way.
• When Aiden takes his soccer balls, footballs, and other toys away from August.
• When he eats all the food and there's nothing left to feed him. (Brace yourself for tears and get ready to distract him with something fun!)

I can't believe we're so close to him being a one-year-old and that we'll be planning his first birthday celebration soon. Time truly flies when you're having fun!

I'm Still Trying

I've been kind of in a weird space lately. . Maybe you'd even call it a funk. But it's been consuming my thoughts and invading my head space. Especially at night when I should be sleeping.

But I'm still trying.

I'm getting up out of bed every morning, getting myself ready for work, waking Aiden up so he can get ready for school, packing his lunch, and leaving "you can do it!" pep talk notes in his lunch box.

I'm so over my morning commute where I have to get Aiden to school and zip back downtown to get to work. I know, I know... it's only September. But I'm exhausted.

But I'm still trying.

I do it every morning. With a smile on my face. And I take solace in the fact that I get to read to him during that time and we can talk about funny stories and school and books.

By night, I'm so tired from the long day at work and the commute home that I just want to chill out on the couch and rest.

But I'm still trying.

Both kids always eat a warm dinner (whether it's take-out or not is a different story.) Aiden gets help with his homework, August gets played with on the floor, both kids get a bath. Aiden gets a half hour of "mommy and me" time after I put August to bed, and we both love it. When it's his bedtime, Aiden gets tucked in and we say our prayers and we talk about plans for tomorrow.

I'm trying.

I'm tired, but I'm trying.

I'm doing the work. I'm in the trenches. I'm falling and failing and making mistakes... but I'm still trying. I'm remembering to not be so hard on myself and to extend grace to myself from time to time.

I repeat certain things to myself over and over again: August is only nine months. You've never been a mother of two before. You've only been doing this for nine months. You're still figuring things out. Things aren't perfect and that's okay because... you're trying. Still. 

I know that this feeling won't last forever, that this too shall pass. I know that this has an expiration date, that I'll overcome this too.

But, in the mean time, all I can do... is try.

Stop Waiting to Be Great

I remember when I first started thinking of applying to Columbia undergrad -- I was either a sophomore or junior in high school. I remember telling someone where I wanted to go to school and that I was gonna go for it, gonna apply and see what happens.

The conversation that ensued sounded something like this:

Her: You're applying to where?  

Me: Columbia and NYU. 

Her: Umm, how are you gonna pay for it? 

Me: *Shrugs* I dunno. I'll apply for scholarships. Or financial aid.  

Her: Ha! Good luck with that! 

Me: I'll think of something.

And I did. I applied for a New York Times College Scholarship, which I got. And which, quite literally changed the course of my life. And then I applied to Columbia, NYU, and seven other colleges. I got into all of them.

undergrad graduation

I was bold enough and audacious enough to attempt greatness. And it paid off. It worked out in my favor.

Was I scared? Yeah. But I was crazy enough to try. I was crazy enough not to wait till all my ducks were lined up in a row.

I was crazy enough not to wait till the circumstances were better, till I had better recommendations, more money in my bank account, an actual bank account that didn't include putting cash in an envelope and hiding it in my top drawer, and... and... and...

five years later... grad school graduation
(with a three-year-old Aiden)

I was crazy enough to try to be great. And it worked out in my favor.

I miss those days when I felt the fear and did it anyway. Why wait for permission to be great when we can just do the darn thing and make it happen!

August Kingston, 6 Months Old

The happiest baby on the block!

Whew!

Time flies when you're having fun... or loving up on your huggable baby! August turned six months old this week and this almost 20-pounder is thriving more than ever! He got his first taste of solids this week (yummy carrots and yummy sweet potatoes) and he likes it so far. He's also working very hard to sit up unsupported for long periods of time, without toppling over.

#NoFilter

As I suspected, the freezer stash of breastmilk is dwindling, but I'm working hard to build it back up, which is a good thing because I want to replace the older milk with fresh milk anyway. I have started researching organic baby formula and I've narrowed it down to two choices (one is not even available in the US so that might be hard if I decide on it). You know, just tin case I need to supplement.

The good news: I'm on summer break for the month of June so I don't have to worry about my crazy, demanding, time-consuming work schedule interfering with pumping. #Hallelujah

And so it begins...
#StoreBought
#AtLeastItsOrganic
#DontJudgeMe

August likes:

• Giving people slobbery "kisses"
• Gummy smiles and open-mouthed smiles
• Tasting carrots and sweet potatoes 
• Holding his own bottle during feedings
• Watching Aiden play with basketballs, soccer balls, and pretty much anything else 
• Rolling around in his crib, rolling around in his playpen, rolling around on the floor, just rolling around anywhere...
• Jumping around in his jumperoo
• Playing with his piano 
• Grabbing my face and hair and ears 

August hates:

• Wiping his face with a rag, warm or cold
• Changing his clothing (he'd rather roll around and play)
• When his pacifier falls out of his mouth in the middle of the night

No matter how he falls asleep, he ends up in this position,
on his side, holding his pacifier... sweetness

I can't wait to see what the second half of his first year entails! I know he's gonna be super busy trying to keep up with Aiden. 

Oh boy...