Sunday, October 27, 2013

{Dating Tales} Guarded

photo via
I'm hanging out on the Lower East Side at happy hour with wo of my girlfriends and after a few five-dollar lychee martinis, I get started with some details about this thing I've got going on with The Guy.

Specifically the fact that I'm all screwed up when it comes to dating and relationships and that I might kinda, sorta, really benefit from seeing a therapist.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Sigh. Catch yourself up by reading this. And then bear with me as I share my theory, y'all.

I talk a lot about my past on this corner of the web -- my crazy, unstable, and very, very messy upbringing. At the age of five, I was a witness to my family getting evicted from an apartment that I lived in since birth. I was five-years-old. Five! Let that marinate for a minute.

That night (when I was five-years-old... five!), we slept in a shelter, which is where we stayed for the next couple weeks until my mother took us to my maternal grandmother's house. And so began the crazy, unstable, emotional roller-coaster that would be my life.

I was in and out of foster homes, enduring emotional and physical abuse, not really feeling like there was someone around to protect me and look out for my well-being. (Well, not anyone other than my sister. But she's three years older than me so she didn't have that much power to be the grown-up that I needed in my life. She tried though.)

I learned a few things from that upbringing... Resilience. Heck, look it up in the dictionary and you just might find the biography of Alicia Harper. Faith. I had to trust in God to get me through those years of hell. (He never said the weapon wouldn't form; He said it wouldn't prosper -- Isaiah 54:17). Optimism. I needed to look forward to a better tomorrow in order to make it through my today. Love. Kindness. Joy. Hard work. Independence. Drive. And a slew of other qualities that makes me the Mommy Delicious that I am today.

For that, I'm thankful.

I managed to get a full scholarship to a great university and I truly looked forward to the life that I'd create as a grown-up, which, I proclaimed, would be nothing like the one I had growing up. 

Fast forward a few years to my first serious adult relationship. Aiden's other parent. After enduring emotional, financial, and physical abuse, we all know how that one ended -- not good. I still suffer from PTSD and have flashbacks of those incidents from time to time -- it's not easy to get through that kind of trauma. I went through a year of therapy after that and it really helped me to pick up the pieces of my life, learn some hard and heavy lessons, and move forward.

Resilience, at its finest.

What's crazy and freaky and mind-blowing is the way the cycle of events works. I left the drama of my upbringing only to create it once again in my adult life. And I barely escaped it in my adult-life.

See what I'm talking about when I say I need therapy? More therapy? 

I guess we have a tendency to gravitate towards things that are familiar to us. There's comfort in that, even if it's unhealthy.

The thing about the horrific events that have taken place in my life is, while they've helped me to learn so much about the great things about life, they've left me shattered. And guarded.

Extremely guarded. Abnormally guarded.

The scars of my past have made me very protective of my thoughts and feelings and situations in my life, and I don't know how to share them with others. (Except for when it comes to writing. I can put it all out there in an article or blog post.) 

Enter The Guy. He's nice and sweet and smart and handsome and honest and comes from a good family and wants to build something with me. He's the guy I've been praying for!

During the cocktail therapy session with my girls (hey, it's cheaper than a regular therapy session), I went on and on and on about my guardedness. (Is that even a word?) I've been guarded for so long, not really letting anyone in my heart for so long, maintaining these superficially relationships with folks that I genuinely care about for so long.

Sigh. 

I'm finally at a point in my life where I don't have to be this way anymore... and I don't know how not to be this way. Here I have this perfectly good (and good-to-me and good-for-me) guy who just wants to love me and like me and go at this thing together... and I don't know how to let him. I want to be successful at this, but I, must admit, I don't know how to do this. (My Type-A personality is not okay with this, by the way.)

He's been patient, I guess. But we're at the point where he's starting to think that I'm hiding things from him. But I'm not. Not intentionally anyhow. I genuinely don't find it necessary to share certain things with him.

He's all like, "But... we're trying to build something together, why wouldn't you think to tell me about that?"

And I'm all like, "Uh... uh... I need more time to process your question and formulate a response."

I don't think that's gonna work for much longer though.

I take another sip of my lychee martini and I spill it all out to my girls. They sit there and listen to me, order more martinis with me, wallow when necessary, validate my feelings, and lean in for hugs when I need them. Then they give it to me straight and tell me that, yes, I do in fact need to speak with a therapist about my guardedness (It is a word. I'm proclaiming it.)

Gotta love girl talk.

41 comments:

  1. You've been through a lot! I can definitely understand why it's so hard to express yourself with this guy. Hopefully, the therapy helps you to open up more with him because he sounds like a great guy. I'm rooting for you!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You have been through so much. You have no idea how bad I want you to keep winning. If I need to sip a martini to help you get through this, I'm down. Hugs, hi-fives and fist bumps. You. can. do. this.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dating is the process of knowing your soul mate, the person who you want to spend the rest of your life. It is an amazing and thrilling feeling to know someone that will make you happy.free dating

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is such a great resource that you are providing and you give it away for free. I love seeing blog that understand the value of providing a quality resource for free. Winnipeg Singles

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is very significant, and yet necessary towards just click this unique backlink:
    Twosome

    ReplyDelete
  6. I was reading some of your content on this website and I conceive this internet site is really informative ! Keep on putting up. San Francisco Dating Site luvfree.com

    ReplyDelete
  7. Not at all like descending dating which just destroys your mental soundness and places you in a heap of perplexity. Dating is a numbers game, you end up censuring yourself for the connections destruction. Similarly as with a large number of life's decisions there is nobody to fault and numerous exercises to learn.

    ReplyDelete
  8. i like your stuff if you want to know more about How to make your partner happy and couples life then please comment below

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hey what a brilliant post I have come across and believe me I have been searching out for this similar kind of post for past a week and hardly came across this. Thank you very much and will look for more postings from you. threesome finder

    ReplyDelete
  10. That is really nice to hear. thank you for the update and good luck. Boston Personals

    ReplyDelete
  11. I was surfing the Internet for information and came across your blog. I am impressed by the information you have on this blog. It shows how well you understand this subject. polyamory dating sites

    ReplyDelete
  12. I’ve been surfing online more than 5 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours without a doubt. It’s pretty worth enough for me. Thanks... couples dating

    ReplyDelete
  13. Great survey, I'm sure you're getting a great response. women seeking threesome

    ReplyDelete
  14. I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post. 성인용품

    ReplyDelete
  15. online dating tales is very awesome meet the Indian girls in uae at www.indianescortindubai.me

    ReplyDelete
  16. Successful sea freight forwarding, relocation and project logistics management services in challenging markets like the CIS and Middle East require expertise, inside knowledge, and reputation businesses can trust. This is why Globalink is the preferred choice of many Fortune 500 companies in the region. Our in-depth knowledge of the CIS and Middle East, coupled with our regional and international service network makes Globalink a leading service provider in the region.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thanks so much for sharing this awesome info! I am looking forward to see more postsby you! buy instagram likes cheap paypal

    ReplyDelete
  18. Well, in the early days of the Internet, search engines were very simple, and relied strictly on keyword matching Hinge vs Tinder

    ReplyDelete
  19. So what’s the solution? How to lose weight that doesn’t come back any time soon? Well, there is one thing that could make this possible for you. True Keto Boost is a product that makes sure that your weight loss is permanent.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Online dating Service in UAE Best Girls For dating in UAE stunning girls in united Arab Emirates meet the beautifull Indian Girls in Dubai At www.indianescortsmodelindubai.com

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hello I am so delighted I located your blog, I really located you by mistake, while I was watching on google for something else, Anyways I am here now and could just like to say thank for a tremendous post and a all round entertaining website. Please do keep up the great work. swinger sites

    ReplyDelete
  22. Most young people feel obligated to keep in hooking up if they have exclusive relationships. Next, the benefits of a friend dating. 유흥알바

    ReplyDelete
  23. The date palm profitable life is constrained to the years when the tree is littler and the natural product is simpler to reap.fetish site

    ReplyDelete
  24. Fulfilling your wildest fantasies, fetishes and sexual desires has become easier than ever since the invention of adult dating online. Follow These Essential Tips to Ensure You Get the Best out of Your Adult Dating Experience and stay safe in the process. websites for threesome

    ReplyDelete
  25. Many wives secretly dream about having a sexual threesome with their husbands. How, though, do you make your wife comfortable enough to admit her desires? I can show you a method that works for a lot of people. couple seek girls

    ReplyDelete
  26. There are benefits to using adult dating service. There are various choices to choose from in order to find a persons individual perfect match. Each website will have its own positive and negative components for any user. best cam sites

    ReplyDelete
  27. I really appreciate this wonderful post that you have provided for us. I assure this would be beneficial for most of the people. women seeking threesome

    ReplyDelete
  28. Good website! I truly love how it is easy on my eyes it is. I am wondering how I might be notified whenever a new post has been made. I have subscribed to your RSS which may do the trick? Have a great day! backpage altnernative

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hello I am so delighted I located your blog, I really located you by mistake, while I was watching on google for something else, Anyways I am here now and could just like to say thank for a tremendous post and a all round entertaining website. Please do keep up the great work. gurgaon escort

    ReplyDelete
  30. A good blog always comes-up with new and exciting information and while reading I have feel that this blog is really have all those quality that qualify a blog to be a one. fetish sites

    ReplyDelete
  31. Thanks for your post. I’ve been thinking about writing a very comparable post over the last couple of weeks, I’ll probably keep it short and sweet and link to this instead if thats cool. Thanks. swingersites.ne

    ReplyDelete
  32. It is perfect time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy. I've read this post and if I could I desire to suggest you some interesting things or suggestions. Perhaps you could write next articles referring to this article. I want to read more things about it! bdsm chat sites

    ReplyDelete
  33. Its as if you had a great grasp on the subject matter, but you forgot to include your readers. Perhaps you should think about this from more than one angle. best fetish sites

    ReplyDelete
  34. This is my first time visit to your blog and I am very interested in the articles that you serve. Provide enough knowledge for me. Thank you for sharing useful and don't forget, keep sharing useful info: POF opiniones

    ReplyDelete
  35. Excellent article. Very interesting to read. I really love to read such a nice article. Thanks! keep rocking. נערות ליווי

    ReplyDelete
  36. This blog has left its group of onlookers totally entranced.
    you gay chat

    ReplyDelete
  37. Thanks for a wonderful share. Your article has proved your hard work and experience you have got in this field. Brilliant .i love it reading. escorts argentina

    ReplyDelete
  38. We have sell some products of different custom boxes.it is very useful and very low price please visits this site thanks and please share this post with your friends. https://singlescenedating.com/grindr/

    ReplyDelete
  39. I love the way you write and share your niche! Very interesting and different! Keep it coming! Latter-day Saints

    ReplyDelete
  40. I am very much pleased with the contents you have mentioned. I wanted to thank you for this great article. Ldsplanet

    ReplyDelete
  41. If you are looking for a very impressive word to wish birthday to your loved ones, you will get all those here on this forum in the form of birthday wishes for all of your relations. Here are all those birthday wishes presented below for you
    Wishes for Birthday

    ReplyDelete

I love reading what you have to say!

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...