On Exhaling. Finally.

For the past ten months or so I've been waking up around 3am every night and finding myself unable to fall back asleep. I had a lot on my brain. Aiden's other parent resurfaced and, although I got a temporary restraining order, things started to turn upside down as we went through the family court system, him seeking an equal visitation schedule and me seeking a way to keep Aiden's life as normal, safe, and intact as possible.

I had a lot on my brain. And I worried.

I worried about his motives for wanting to visit with Aiden, I worried about Aiden's reaction to the visits, and, most importantly, I worried about Aiden's safety during the visits.

I got an attorney who specializes in the family court system and works with victims of domestic violence. She's been knowledgable, caring, and downright kick-ass throughout the entire process, but one the first things she advised me to do -- or not do -- was blog. At least while my case was still in litigation. Her reasoning was that I wouldn't want Aiden's other parent to potentially find my blog and attempt to use it as ammunition against me while we were in court.

It was hard to take that advice. Very hard. Because this place and space has become an outlet for the trials and triumphs and growing pains of single motherhood. This community -- and letting it all out -- has been my saving grace in so many ways.

I've written so many posts over the past ten months. But as I went to hit the "publish" button, all I kept thinking was that he could potentially use any topic against me if he were desperate enough. If I wrote about my relationship with HEB, he could use it to say I'm exposing Aiden to the men I date. If I wrote about the growing pains of single motherhood, he could say that I'm stressed and overwhelmed. (Newsflash: Any parent who is doing this thing "right" would totally be overwhelmed and stressed at one point or another. Comes with the territory.) If I wrote about personal style or fashion or events around the city, it could be perceived as though I'm exploiting Aiden for page views.

Any topic had the potential of being misconstrued. So, for the most part, I've stayed silent.

It was especially hard for me to feel like he was taking yet another thing away from me. But I built this blog up and I knew that I could rebuild it if necessary. A small price to pay for Aiden's life and wellbeing.

I like to think of myself as a warrior and not so much of a worrier. I tend not to dwell on things that much. Instead I pray about it, put it into perspective, and let it go.

But not this time. Not by a long shot.

Instead I'd wake up at 3am and think about the ifs, ands, or buts of the situation. My mind would race to the worst case scenario and I'd try to think about how I'd respond to it... if it were to actually happen. I tried to fall back asleep to no avail. I tried walking it out or working out whenever I felt my anxiety starting to rise, but to no avail.

It's hard to stay calm, cool, and collected when it comes to the well-being of your child.

Very hard.

But I stayed the course. I met with my lawyer in between court dates to strategize, discuss next steps, vent, and cry it out. I took off of work as often as necessary in order to make it to all of my court dates. I provided the court with all the documentations that they requested in a timely manner. I took Aiden out of his extracurricular activities to make sure that he was on time to all of his scheduled supervised visits -- even if his other parent didn't show up. I kept Aiden's appointments whenever he had to meet with his attorney. (Yes, children are given lawyers when it comes to situations like this.) I didn't coach Aiden on what to say before any of his meetings with his lawyer or case worker.

But, most importantly, I stuck to what I believed in and what I believed was right for Aiden. Even when I felt like giving up. Even when I felt like throwing in the towel.

I fought.

Hard.

For Aiden's best interest.

A few nights ago, I woke up around 3:30 in the morning and I cried. (Sobbed, really.) But this time it was to cry tears of joy. And tears of I-can't-believe-I-was-strong-enough-and-patient-enough-to-see-this-thing-through. I hadn't cried like that since I first sat down with my lawyer's intake coordinator to tell my story. I'm sure somewhere in my file reads "hot mess express."

But last week, everything changed as the case was settled. I was awarded with sole physical and legal custody of Aiden, Aiden and I were I were granted a permanent restraining order, and, in an attempt to keep Aiden's life as intact -- and safe! -- as possible, Aiden's visitation schedule with him will be limited.

I really couldn't have asked for a better turnout. Someone must've been praying for me. For us. And God really made this entire situation work out in Aiden's favor. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Onward.

Can A Man be A "Good Father" If He's a Batterer?

This is a serious question. And one that I've been asking myself over and over again the past few weeks. Some days, I'm all like, "Well, okay… maybe he can kinda sorta be a good-enough father." Other days, I'm all like, "No. Nope. Negative. Not even a little bit. Sorry, wrong number. I don't think so. N-o-p-e. Nope."

The reason for The Ask?

Aiden's estranged other parent came back into the picture after three years and started stalking and harassing me. Around the same time that I got a restraining order, he asked for visitation rights. Because I am who I am, I asked that the visits be supervised, and they've been having weekly supervised visits with Safe Horizon ever since. 

Now, we're at the next step, which would be unsupervised day visits in the community for a few hours. The step after that will be overnight visits. (And my heart will crumble into a million and one pieces because I won't be able to protect Aiden when he needs it the most.)

I get it. Kids need both parents. I've said this before. Over and over again. I know that having a positive relationship with both parents is ideal. 

But kids also need parents who are good role models for them. They need parents who are selfless and caring and loving and patient and understanding and nurturing. They need parents who are responsible. Especially my baby. (Color me biased. I'm cool with that.) 

They need parents who are financially dependable when circumstances are in their favor. (Let's not even talk about the fact that Aiden's other parent owes over $10,000 in back child support.)

And, know this: This is not about the money because I don't get down like that. I make a good salary, have a thriving side hustle, and, thankfully, I have always been able to provide for Aiden. We're far from rich, but Aiden's enjoyed private school in NYC, enriching summer camps, extracurricular activities, cultural outings and events all over the city, and both domestic and international vacations. 

It's not that I wouldn't want Aiden to have some type of positive relationship with his father. I'd actually prefer it to be that way. But, as time went by, I've come to terms with the kind of person he truly is: a batterer. Who needs help. Who won't stop until he kills someone. Ask me how I know. 

If it were just one incident of physical abuse, maybe — just maybe — I'd be on the side of "Well, okay… maybe he can kinda sorta be a good-enough father."

But it wasn't. 

The very last incident took place in my apartment. That's when he strangled me until I passed out... three times in one night. He was mad at me for getting mad at him for taking money from me without my permission. (In the real world, we call that stealing.)

The time before that took place in my bedroom. That's when he snatched my cellphone away from me while I was in the middle of a conversation and attempted to throw it. He was mad at me for not giving him the attention he wanted.

The time before that took place in my living room. That's when he strangled me until I passed out... twice in one night. He was mad at me for getting mad at him for arguing with two random guys during our date night at a bar. After I woke up, he took my keys and cellphone so that I wouldn't call anyone or try to leave my apartment. (In the real world, we call that holding someone hostage.)

The time before that took place by the foyer in my apartment. He dragged me across the floor. I still have the scar on my shoulder from the rug burn because of it.

The time before that took place in a hotel room while we were out of town celebrating my birthday. He threw me up against the wall and then body slammed me unto the bed. He was mad at me because I wouldn't give him my hard earned money to leave me alone in a hotel room and go to a strip club during my birthday weekend celebration.

The time before that took place in the bedroom. He handcuffed me to Aiden's crib because he was jealous after I received a phone call from a male friend. (He used to be a security guard so the handcuffs were from his job. And yes, Aiden was in the crib at the time.)

If it were just me, maybe — just maybe — I'd be on the side of "Well, okay… maybe he can kinda sorta be a good-enough father." 

But it wasn't. 

In an email exchange between his oldest daughters' mother and me, she mentioned that the day she decided to leave him for good was because he strangled her so hard that he left both his hand prints on her neck… that it was a near-death experience… and she that she was two months pregnant at the time. She said that she endure a lot of physical abuse before leaving. 

In the police report with his oldest son's mother, she mentioned that he tried to suffocate her by putting a plastic bag over her head on one occasion… put glue traps in her hair on another occasion… and took her keys and phone and held her hostage in his apartment (sound familiar?), just to name a few. She also endured a lot of emotional and physical abuse before leaving. 

In a phone conversation with his youngest daughter's mother and me, she mentioned that he physically assaulted her, and, as a result, spent two nights in jail. She also endured a lot of physical, financial, and emotional abuse. But at least she was brave enough to actually report it to the police. 

Yes, I've been in touch with all three of them over the years. Yes, we've talked about the abuse because I needed to attempt to understand the kind of person he truly was. Is. Yes, he has other children with other women. Five or six, to be exact. With four or five different women. 

And spare me the judgement and the "Why do victims stay?" kind of questions. Instead, click this link, let it marinate, ask "Why are folks batterers?", and then get back to me. 

Also, spare me the "Has he ever hit Aiden?" kind of questions because I'm not here for it. Children of batterers can be at just as much risk psychologically, sexually, and even physically after the parents split up as they were when the parents were still together. Matter of fact, many kids experience the most damaging victimization from the abuser at this point. (I obviously took that last point from a research article because I've been consumed with this for the past few weeks.)

I am responsible for what happens to Aiden. 

I am responsible for his well-being. 

I am responsible for shielding him from situations that are dangerous and unsafe. 

With his background, this batterer wouldn't be likely to get a job working with children. Most folks wouldn't even trust him to pet sit for them. Why trust him with the well-being of an actual child instead of holding him accountable and demanding that he gets the help that he actually needs?

He Has Me

Ever so often something happens that makes the decision that I made to end things with Aiden's other parent sting a little. Just a little though. Don't get me wrong, I never regret the decision. But I do think about the impact it has on Aiden. Because it does have a huge impact on him.

A couple days ago the sting came during a conversation between Aiden and me.

Aiden: "My dad plays football." That's the sentence I used when [my teacher] asked me to think of a sentence with the word 'plays'.

Me: That sentence works fine. 

Aiden: Well... I don't have a dad. But I said that sentence anyway.

Enter the sting. 

 

I tried to search for the words to respond to Aiden. But nothing seemed to suffice. I thought about making a joke about it. But I couldn't think of a witty response fast enough. I thought about proclaiming to Aiden that, although he hasn't seen him in a long time, he does, in fact, have a dad. But I didn't want to dismiss his thoughts and feelings. 

 

I thought and thought, but I couldn't muster up a response to Aiden's comment. I stared at him as he searched my face for a response. But I just stood there, frozen.

 

I've written about this before. I've thought about this before. Countless times. I've felt sorry about this before -- sorry that I didn't pick a better parenting partner to help me raise Aiden; sorry that Aiden doesn't get to call someone "daddy" everyday; sorry that Aiden doesn't have the security in a father that he deserves. Just... sorry.

But I can't let myself go down that road. It's a downward spiral that's ineffective.

 

These are the cards that Aiden and I have been dealt. The only thing I can do is make peace with the situation, move forward, rock this single mom thing out, and show Aiden that life is about making the best of what you have. 

Eventually, I pulled myself together, smiled, and said, "You have me." With confidence and with reassurance. Because he does have me. 

 

Always and forever.

A Year of Inspiration, Style, and Blessings

When 2011 rolled around, I had two main goals: to finish grad school with my two master degrees (check, check!) and get the job that I dreamed of. When 2012 rolled around, I had the degrees, but not the job. Yet. So I had to buckle down, grind through, and work. Hard. Until I got the job. (Check!)

It's a blessing.

It seems as though I've been in a constant state of "Go!" since 2011, but for the past few days, I've been taking the time out to stop.

And take it all in.

And reflect.

I'm blessed.

And this here community is such a blessing to me. (And I hope it is to you as well.)

We've shared a lot in this place and space, and for that, I am grateful.

Way back in January, I shared with you how I've found my "happy." And I challenged many of you to find your happiness within as well. The emails that I received after that post was truly inspiring.

I spent some time thinking about what kind of mother I want to continue to be and how I'd like Aiden to remember his childhood 15 years from now. 

I've taken time for myself by traveling to Miami and indulging in life's little pleasures. I've shown that moms are anything but dull and boring by sharing my fashion and style sense with you and by putting myself first. Sometimes. I've dated. Again. And had fun. Again. And learned some lessons along the way. Again. 

I've continued working with eBay, which led me to the west coast, singing Katy Perry's "California Gurl" as I toured San Fran and drank fine wine.

I also continued writing for REDBOOK Magazine and, in addition to writing online articles a couple times per month, I was published in print as well. And then there was the September issue of Parents Magazine in which I was passionately discussing all things education, educational reform, and the achievement gap.

Speaking of education, I wrote admissions essays, collected recommendations, and braved interviews so that I could get Aiden into a good private school. And for those of you who live in a big city (or know anything about the NYC private school admissions process), you know what that means: I worked. Hard.

Co-parenting failed, but I embraced life as a solo single mom. And it ain't half bad, especially if I continue to learn from hard life lessons along the way. 

And how can I forget modeling a swimsuit on the first day of summer on a double-decker bus all around Manhattan? Or the nod from NY Metro Parents? Or Red Tricycle? Or the collaboration with NY Family Magazine? Fun times!

I got my butt kicked a couple times, but that's alright because I learned the lessons. And shared them, of course. 

I couldn't make it to the press trip in Atlanta with Coca-cola, but my blogging pal YUMMommy represented very well. (Thanks girl!)

Oh yeah, and I've hung out with some celebrities too -- Jessica Alba, Jennifer Hudson, and Soledad O'Brien, to name a few. Pretty epic.

Needless to say, it's been quite a year. 

I share all this to say two main things: children of single parents can thrive and be happy and do well in life. It's possible. And having a baby in your early 20's is not the end of the world, but the beginning of something so wonderful and so monumental. All of your comments, messages, and emails prove it. Everyday.

So, in 2013, let's keep sharing. And let's keep showing 'em what we're made of!

Cheers and high-fives all around!

{I was not compensated for this post. It contains links to posts written in conjunction with the eBay Parent Panel and REDBOOK Magazine, for which compensation is received.}

No Judgement Day

{mimosas and OJ at Sunday brunch}

I have no contact whatsoever with Aiden's other parent. Neither does Aiden -- none at all.

But that's old news; you knew that already. I've spoken about it so many times before on this site. Today, I'm speaking about it over on REDBOOK Magazine.

I've been judged for my decision not to co-parent too many times before. But every time I see that Aiden is healthy and happy, my decision to do what's best for my son (and myself) is confirmed. I chose happiness. And safety. And that makes all the difference.

Check out my article on REDBOOK and feel free to share it as well.

I know, I know... I'm still pimping myself.

On Fostering Resilience in Our Children

[Photo via]

A couple weeks ago, I met my guy friend D for dinner. We've known each other for almost 15 years and we're pretty close friends. We sat at the outdoor eatery in Hell's Kitchen, catching up and practically inhaling our burgers and booze.

Our "light and funny" conversation soon shifted to something a little more serious. To me. (And, apparently to D as well).

We began talking about Aiden and I bought up something that's constantly on my mind. Am I doing enough to foster resilience in this child? Am I doing enough to help mold and shape him into a well-adjusted, socially competent, self-sufficient young man?


I think about these things.

A lot.

Aiden's other parent has chosen to not be apart of his life, and I know that as his mother, I can not completely fill the void that may result because of this. I can teach Aiden that the world is filled with different types of family structures; I can make sure he knows that he is loved and cherished; I can make sure that he gets a damn good education; I can make certain that he's well-read and well-traveled and that his weekends are filled with swimming and soccer and kid-friendly outings. And I can work hard and get the high-paying dream job to pay for all of these things.

But...

I can't replace his father.

And as I try to foster resilience in this child, it worries me.

But...

I think I found a solution.

As I was having dinner with D, I rallied him up as Aiden's newest mentor. Heck, Aiden already loves and looks up to him so I might as well milk it for all it's worth! He'll be spending a couple Saturdays per month with the kid doing "boy stuff," whatever that means.

I say all this to make one point: single parents can create protective factors in our children that far outweigh their risk factors. We can foster resilience in them and they can grow up to be well-adjusted and socially responsible.

It can be done.

We just have to put in the work.

Bottom line: never underestimate the life that you can create for yourself. And your children.

When Co-Parenting Fails...

This week I was over on The Young Mommy Life talking about lessons that I've learned thus far in my 20's and how I'm applying them to my life. (If you haven't checked it out, feel free to do so.) One of the things that I spoke about is not co-parenting with Aiden's other parent. That's when I started receiving the messages about the benefits of children having both parents (like I don't know this already...)

When Aiden's other parent and I broke up, in my mind, I thought I was going to be the poster mom for "How to Make Co-parenting Work." I thought that I'd compose these amazingly inspiring posts that'll include tips on getting along with your ex, coordinating schedules so that the child can see and spend time with both parents, effectively communicate... the works. 

If you've been reading this blog, you know that no such posts have been written. Hopefully, though, you still get the inspiring posts. Hopefully. 

The thing is, Aiden's other parent and I are not co-parents. We don't coordinate anything and I make the decisions that have to do with all things Aiden. Co-parenting means when two parents work cooperatively. Simply put: that ain't us.

When I asked him to move out, he made the decision not to be around for Aiden's third birthday party (although he was invited). He made the decision not be around for holidays (although I tried to encourage him to visit). He made the decision not to clear his schedule on the days we agreed would be his days to take Aiden (although I gave him tips on child-friendly places he could take Aiden).

I'm not trying to make him look bad or make myself look good. I try not to write about him or our situation unless I can do so gracefully and with a clear mind. I'm simply stating facts. And simply put: I take care of Aiden. Without him. He hasn't been in Aiden's life at all for the past few months and before that (after we broke up), the time he spent with Aiden was few and far between. I'm okay with that now. I've made peace with the situation.

But then again, he's not my father. And so, I'm putting things in place so that Aiden will be able to deal with this loss or void (or whatever you'd want to call it) in an effective way. 

Co-parenting may be ideal, but when co-parenting fails, the only thing I can do is make peace with the situation, move forward, and teach Aiden that life is about making the best of what you have.

Aiden will have a good life. I will make sure of it. Heck, he already has a full and happy life. At 4-1/2-years-old the kid has traveled to several countries and states and learned about life outside of NYC. In NYC, his schedule is filled with joyous and enriching activities. In the fall, he'll be going to a great prep school that'll help shape him into a socially competent and model citizen. He's destined for greatness. And I'll be damned if I let someone come in and shit all over it. Simply put: he's my baby and it ain't going down like that. Rest your understanding on that. 

Oh, and Happy Easter!

This Co-Parenting Thing...

I've written about the stresses of this co-parenting thing before -- over on The Young Mommy Life.

This co-parenting thing? This thing, is not easy.

Not in the least.

I am not even close to being the perfect co-parent. It has been an uphill battle, and one that knocks me down quite frequently.

But I keep striving. And I keep pushing. And when I feel as though I've screwed something up or I'm not cut out to be a co-parent, I try to strive and push even more. Aiden deserves that much.

Read the rest of this post over on MyCare One, where I have been asked to offer my two-sense on this whole single mother thing. Let me know what you think by leaving some comment love -- am I in over my head with co-parenting or am I capable? How do I continue to leave the space in Aiden's life open for his dad? 

All smart opinions welcomed!

Smooches,

Strains and Stress of Co-Parenting

Hey Lovelies!

Because she is so amazing and awesome and always willing to share the spotlight on her fabulous blog, Tara of The Young Mommy Life has provided me with yet another opportunity to write a guest post. This time about the strains and stress (and sometimes success!) of co-parenting.

Did I mention that Tara's totally awesome?! Oh, I did...

Well... check out the post and tell me what you think. I welcome your opinions.

Smooches,

SweetAl

"Where's My Father?" -- The One Question That Challenged My Decision To Be A Single Mother

A couple months ago I made the decision to end my relationship with my son's father. But the thought of being a single mother scared me so I hesitated. A month and a half ago I got the courage, put my big-girl pants on, and actually did it.

Since the split and my venture into the Single Momma World, I've been dreading the thought

of Aiden asking about his dad's whereabouts. I've dreaded what my response would sound like. I've dreaded if it would be acceptable to him.

And I dread and worry about other things too. I worry how the split would affect their relationship moving forward. Would it blossom and grow, or would there be friction? I worry at times how others will judge our situation. I worry that others tend to view single moms who were once married more favorably than single moms who were never married... as if those who were never married slept around with any old guy and had tons of kids -- not always the case.

But mostly... I worry how Aiden will judge our situation as he grows and his comprehension expands. These past couple months, Aiden developed the habit of climbing into bed with me and his dad in the morning because he always wakes up first. He'd just squeeze his little self in-between his father and me, saying, "excuse me." Too cute. But when his dad moved out, he was able to climb right in because there was so much space on the other side of the bed. Puzzled and perplexed, Aiden politely asked, "Mommy... where my father?" Oh boy... as young as age 2, the questions begin.

I was never married, but cohabited with my son’s dad and went through a lot before I decided to “break up” the family. Trust me on this. I put a lot of thought into the break-up. A lot. I thought about my ex, I thought about our son, and I thought about myself. But after trying and trying, feeling defeated and trying some more... giving and giving, getting very little in return and giving some more... suggesting all sorts of things that just didn't work... and reaching what I thought was my breaking point only to realize that I still had a little more in me to give... and yet that still wasn't enough... then (and only then!), I was done and done! Just like that. The entire relationship became a liability... and a deal-breaker.

What can I say? Sometimes Prince Charming isn't so charming after the baby makes three. For me, it got to the point where being in a relationship was harder than being a single mother. So I took a stand for sanity… for my life and my son’s life. And just like that, a[nother] single mom was born. And you know what, it feels very empowering.

I write this post not to demean my son's father, or to bitterly bash men. In fact, I think he and I have been doing pretty well with this whole co-parenting thing as we've been certainly communicating in a positive manner on all things Aiden.

I write this post from a place of contentment. And peace. I am no longer halted between two opinions and I feel proud of my decision because it was a tough one.

And now I know that Aiden will judge our situation based on how I handle it. If I act like I'm bitter and nasty towards all men and act as though I think his dad is an awful person (ie: putting the blame on others), then that's how he'll judge it. And it'll have a negative impact on him and his views. But If I handle it as though I'm taking responsibility for his life, my life, our life by making the choice to move towards sanity, safety, and happiness, then that's how he'll judge it. Period.

And if I can continue to be my happy, optimistic, resilient self, then he'll judge the situation as being the best possible decision I could have made for him and me. And that'll empower him to know that despite all of its ups and downs, life is ultimately what you make it.

The Perfect Family

Hey Lovelies!

"More than one-third of women who were cohabiting at conception and whose pregnancy was unplanned broke up with their partner by the baby’s 2nd birthday."

"70% of black children are born to single parent homes, a statistic that's higher for Blacks than any other ethnic group in the U.S."

These are some of the troubling statistics that have been running through my head for the past few weeks. But the problem with statistics is that they don't always paint the entire picture. So here's my story...

After four and a half years of off-and-ons, Aiden's dad and I have broken up. For good. [Insert a few tears and a huge sigh of relief here].

So that makes me a 26-year-old Black newly single mom.

While I refuse to use this place and space to speak badly about my son's dad, I will say that we are just not compatible. And before I could sit back, think about it, and realize the unfortunate truth -- we are just not compatible! -- I found myself pregnant. BAM!

So I did what I thought I should do as a mother-to-be. I forced us to be the perfect family -- father, mother, and child. I had this idea in my head of what a perfect family should be -- one that I was deprived of growing up -- and I tried to force this idea on a family unit that just didn't fit.

It took me awhile to figure it out and a lot of unfortunate situations, but even in the midst of those unfortunate situations, I held on to the false hope of my perfect family... And that false hope made me deal with with A LOT more than I should have.

When I finally came to the harsh realization that the relationship just wasn't working a few months back, I was held by a couple of things, but mostly by my fear of being -- gasp! -- labeled a single mother... as if that's the worst thing that could happen to me.

Afraid of being labeled yet another young, Black single mother, I stayed. For a long time. But I shouldn't have. Because, actually the worst thing that could have happened was that I stayed "for our son" and been miserable and take all of my frustrations out on our son. Displaced anger... for no good reason. Not to mention that I had many images in my head of me not functioning as an effective mother and Aiden being subject to seeing his parents bickering all the time, which wouldn't be pleasant. At all. The thought of that happening was one of the things that snatched me back to reality, and I now know that I deserve to be in a respectful and secure relationship. Period.

After months of torment, I now feel at peace knowing that I tried every thing that I could -- from coming up with a new life motto to doing things daddy's way to suggesting couples counseling... but it was wasn't working.

I'm in a better place now and I know that I am better off alone than trapped in an unhealthy situation. So I've come to embrace single motherhood and accept that this is my fabulous family -- just Aiden and me. And these picture look pretty darn perfect to me. Don't you think?




Surprisingly, after the break-up, I don't have as much resentment towards Aiden's dad ("as much" being the operative words here. LOL). I've let go of the negative energy that can suck all the life out of you if you let it, and I know how to communicate with him a little bit better, not bitter.

So cross your fingers and wish me well as I try my luck at this co-parenting thing.

Smooches,
SweetAl