Monday, April 9, 2012

Online Dating: Tales from a Single Mom

In an attempt to get over my Yummy friend, some of my gals tried to convince me to update my online dating profile and actively look for dates. (Why is it that people think you need to start dating someone new in order to get over someone old? I like to take my time to heal. But I digress...) After a few weeks of blowing them off, I agreed to it. I updated the profile to reflect that I'm the perfect combo of "sweet" and "badass" (thanks to being born and raised in BK).

The first guy that I decided was worth my time (let's just call him "Bachelor #1") was cute and seemed funny and interesting... at first. We spoke all but four times before he decided to get all cray cray on me. Not only did dude tell me that I "make him feel like he's in heaven" (*rolls eyes*), but he also called me his girlfriend and insisted on coming over to my house! (Umm... it's not gonna be that easy for you to get laid, man.) Naturally, a sista had to give it to him straight. Cue Big Pun: "I don't know you, man!" I told him that I thought he was cool at first, but then started to come on too strong, so I was going to fall back (like, all the way back.)

The second guy, "Bachelor #2," was sweet and nice. But... he spelled like he didn't finish the fifth grade. (I'm not kidding!) So, yeah... that was never going to work out. The only problem was, dude just didn't "get it" when I blatantly told him that I was no longer interested. He kept insisting that I give him my phone number so we can "cuntingue dis convo ova textin." (Umm... what part of "no" don't you understand?!) My girls, L, T (the one who lives in Miami), and I now refer to him as "Mr. Thirst."

Bachelor #3 reached out to me a few days later. He appeared to be a good catch -- he looked good in his picture, he was a good speller and his grammar was on point, and seemed like a hardworking dude. That's why I let his initial message of, "I'm sure you get hundreds of these messages a day, but I think I'm worth your time..." slide. (I do get lots of those messages. And they annoy me.) He and I started talking and seemed to take a liking to each other rather quickly.

At some point we decided to try to meet up in person. (That's the only way you can tell if you really like someone anyway, right? Offline?) He's a lawyer and works long hours at the office, and I'm really busy with motherhood, work, and freelancing. So our schedules just wasn't  matching up. We'd plan dates and one of us would have to cancel at the last minute for one reason or another. This went on for like a month, and eventually I was going to give up. (Setting up a first date shouldn't be this hard, right?) But Miami T said I should give it a go. "You really want me to get over Yummy, don't you?" was my response to her.

Finally all the stars aligned and we were both free on the same night. And there were no cancellations. Score! It was a month in the making and the anticipation was making me feel really excited. We met up at this swanky bar in Midtown Manhattan where the music was good and the drinks were better. Still, I made the decision to sit at the bar just in case it turned out to be a total bust and I'd have to make an excuse to get the heck outta there. (I'm just saying...)

The date? How can I put this nicely? This guy... was a snob and a half! Ugh! Within ten minutes of sitting down at the bar, dude tells me that not only does he make $200K/year, but that in five years, he wants to make $500K/year. (Ummm... strike 1. No one cares how much money you make -- it's a first date, not a marriage.)

Within thirty minutes of sitting at the bar, dude starts telling me how much he loves girls in short skirts because he's a "legs man." (Ummm... strike 2. Not only is that more than a little offensive because I was wearing a skirt above my knee, but it was also more than a little creepy. Eek!)

Before the hour was up, dude managed to tell me that he must not be as smart as me because I went to Columbia for undergrad and grad school, and he went to Duke for undergrad and NYU for law school. (Ummm... strike 3. Duke and NYU are both good schools and he should take pride in where he went to school! Dude obviously has insecurity issues or something like that.)

By the end of the date, I was laughing at him and not with him. At that point, I could see why some people date online -- because they're awkward, and dating offline must be really hard for them. When the waiter brought us the check, dude pulled out a wad of cash (even though he only had two drinks and I had one cocktail). He also made it a point to show me the hundred dollar bill in his wallet. (FYI: that doesn't impress me. Pulling out a Black card, however, might do the trick.)

As we were walking out of the bar, he exclaimed, "Maybe we should go bowling next time!" (Ummm... there's not gonna be a "next time," buddy.)

I know that I resolved to go out with different types of guys this year, but this wasn't exactly what I had in mind. Sigh. I guess it's back to the drawing board... for now.


  1. Haha! Great post! I know how it is with the spelling thing. Even on Interpals, which is only a penpal website, if a guy or a girl can't write proper English I don't even bother to respond. It's just annoying trying to figure out what the hell they are talking about.

    As for Bachelor #3... wow, he must've really wanted to impress you. First the money, then the skirt-comment (he should really have left that for his friends), and then chatting you up by putting himself down. It would've been a no-no in my book too.

    Well, think of it this way: at least it gave you something to write about!

  2. Wow wow wow... Where do I begin.

    #1 yeah, fall back indeed
    #2 illiterate need not apply
    #3 he'll end up with a gold digger and then complain about her only being interested in his money. Wonder why?

    Better luck next time boo! :)

  3. yowza, those do sound like 3 winners! Good for you though in not having any doubts about saying adios. What is with people not being able to spell? We've been trying to find a babysitter and no one seems to know how to form a complete sentence anymore!

  4. Yea, nobody likes a show off on the first date. Glad you're not letting this turn you off to getting back in the saddle.

  5. Omg, I m laughing, because I've had to deal with all those idiots before, men just don't get it sometimes...

  6. Ahhh the pretentious men...I love how you tell these stories. There are some good ones out there!

  7. girl u had me rolling! smh it is hard out here for us single mommies in the dating world again! :)

  8. Argh....why B3, why? Total arsse! It is good that you have the opportunity to meet different types of guys. I'm glad you can laugh it all off though. You know I love your dating stories. Looking forward to the Mr. Right story!

  9. Oh yes, i can see why u werent feeling these guys - esp. ole' boy with the bad grammar. I just cant do that. The snobby one, who was showing off his wallet... i might give him another try in a different setting (like the laid-back, bowling alley setting he suggested). He could have just been nervous and really digging you, and acting like a show-off/jerk simply out of anxiety. He could turn out to be cool and more relaxed on date #2.

  10. Wow Alicia, the dating pool sounds pretty shallow. These guys leaves a lot to be do someone text like that and can't spell. Looks like another language entirely. Unbelievable. Well, you know what you want so when you meet him you'll know it!

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