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Motherhood has a way of seeping into every aspect of your life. Every. Single. Aspect. Once you have a baby, your life is changed forever. Forever. You are always a mother, and nothing will change that.
I have always known this, but ever so often something "new" happens that makes me re-realize and think, wow... no matter what other things I have going on in my life, I will always be accountable for another human being until he can take care of himself... whoa!
Last week's "new" thing: graduate school. More specifically, class from 7:20pm -- 9pm.
I registered for this class last spring knowing that the time would be slightly inconvenient. But in order to apply for my MA in Psychological Counseling this semester, I needed to take this particular class. So I figured Aiden's dad would do the daddy thing with him (like we've done in the past) for the one night each week.
Well things have changed since I registered for the class and we are no longer together, which means that I can no longer threaten him, I mean guilt him, I mean ask him to care for Aiden on that night. So when he's unavailable... sigh!
My sister has offered to watch him on that night and I love her for that, but as always, things come up for her. When she's unavailable, his grandmother keeps him. When she's unavailable, it's my cousin.
Although all of these people love and adore Aiden very much, it stresses me out calling er'body and their mama trying to find s0me one to watch him for that night. And it frustrates me that his routine changes so frequently each week, depending on who's available. And sometimes, none of them are available. Like this past week. Since my sister had something to do during Aiden's scheduled pick-up time, our arrangement was for me to pick him and her to meet me at my school so that she can babysit him as I attend class.
So I left my internship in the city, took the train back to Brooklyn to pick the kid up, and got back unto the train heading towards Columbia... whew! But my sister couldnt make it. Bummer.
Since we were already on campus, I decided to take Aiden to class with me. So off to class we went... for about 10 minutes. My professor was really nice and understanding about my childcare emergency and allowed me to miss the class. After enduring a few side glances from classmates (I chose to politely ignore those people) and making the rounds to introduce Aiden to my friends and more pleasant classmates (they totally adored him!), off we went... back on the train and back to Brooklyn.
I didn't ramble on and on and on for no reason. I actually had a point to make.
One of the first things that I learned about being a single mother is to GET A PERMANENT BABYSITTER.
No more switching off from "tia's house" to "mama's house" (as Aiden calls them) every other week. Although they are compensated for their efforts, I'm keeping my baby on as steady of a schedule as possible... with a babysitter. Period.
A couple weeks ago, I was concerned about not being able to accept help from others. Well I could have really used the help last week. LOL.
I've learned that I cannot always be present with him and I cannot feel guilty about that. I have to remember why I'm not there (thanks Linda from NYCSingleMom for reminding me of that!). I'm in graduate school. I'm getting two Master degrees. I'm moving forward in my career. I'm making my life better. Our life better. And in the long run, it'll all be worth it.