Thursday, June 1, 2017

Mommy Issues


I used to think that it was weird that HEB would talk to his parents a few times a week and fill them in on the happenings of his life.

Whenever something happened, one of my first responses would always be “Did you tell your mom about it? What’d she say?,” But, like, in a sarcastic, asshole-y kind of way.

Growing up, my relationship with my birth parents was pretty much non-existent. It’s still that way with my father, and only slightly existent with my mother. (Readthis post to get all caught up.) So it’s pretty hard for me to receive love and mentorship and advice from older folks who say they care about me. And it’s likely that this is something I’ll be working on in therapy for a long, long time.

Progress.

Slow progress.

Because I have such a nonexistent relationship with my parents, I spend a lot of time convincing myself that I deserve love and care and mentorship from folks who say they care about me. Not just older folks, but from my peers as well. I also spend a lot of time being intentional about the way I parent Aiden and August and the way I show them love and care and mentorship.

One day, I told my homeboy about the fact that I was weirded out by the HEB situation and he was like, “Nah, A…. it’s pretty common for grown folks to talk to their parents throughout the week.” (He talks to his mom a few times a week. )“You talk to Aiden all the time, right? Well, when Aiden’s all grown up, he’ll have the open relationship with you that HEB has with him mom.”

Then I began to “get it”.

I don’t want August and Aiden to grow up feeling like they don’t deserve to be loved. Or like they’re not worthy of love. Or like they can’t really trust the folks who say they love them. I also don’t want them to spend so much time looking for love because they feel like they don’t have it. (Admittedly, I spend a lot of my time trying to handpick my “family” and looking for love because I don’t feel surrounded by it. And that’s a hard pill to swallow.)

I try to be very intentional with my parenting because I want Aiden and August to feel loved by me. And to feel surrounded by love in general. I want them to know that their mother loves herself enough to take the time to heal wounds, nurse scars, and grow. I want them to know that their mother failed at this a lot, but kept trying. I want them to know that slow progress is still progress, and that sometimes progress just looks like a bunch of failures.

I want them to know that they can come to me when they’re all grown up and talk about the happenings of their lives. Matter of fact, it’ll be mandatory.

I’m gonna keep loving the mess out of my two babies so that they know and feel what it means to be surrounded by love. So that they don’t have to spend so much of their time looking for it and trying to fill a void.

So that they don’t suffer from “Mommy Issues”.

So that they don’t have to be… me.

These days, my “Did you tell your mom about it? What’d she say?” questions to HEB are more out of genuine concern, not sarcasm. Most of time anyway.

Progress.


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Slow progress.

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