While talking to Lucille, one thing became evident: she's worked hard to get to this point in her life. And I applaud her effort and success.
Our conversation then got me thinking about some of the things that I've worked really hard at obtaining and maintaining -- a scholarship to Columbia University, the continued success of this community, my masters degree from CU, safety, sanity, and stability. All of those things are very important to me (especially because I've worked so hard to get them), but the one that sticks out the most to me is stability.
I didn't have the most stable life growing up, so once I became self-sufficient and independent, I knew the one thing I wanted was just that -- stability.
And so I pushed for it.
All of the other things that I worked hard for were mere means to an end -- stability.
In fact, looking back, now I have a much clearer understanding of one of the main reasons I ended the relationship with Aiden's other parent -- that toxic relationship was a threat to the one thing that I worked so hard to obtain. Being in that relationship made my life more unstable than I ever thought possible.
As I've written in this post,
It got to the point where I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I was so far gone. So out there. I didn’t know how to find my way back to myself. I thought of leaving. I really did. Everyday after the first incident. But something kept me. Fear, maybe. Sometimes love is so blind, it feels right when it’s wrong. #Beyonce
He tried to be Mr. Right after the first incident. And I tried to believe him. But the inner Alicia was saying “No… something’s not right.” I silenced her by thinking, “But he’s going to counseling for his issues.” Then he terminated prematurely. No more counseling. No what? The inner Alicia started to speak louder, but I still didn’t listen.
I was so tangled and confused and living in passion and lust and not-at-all Alicia. But that’s the thing about passion – when it’s good, it’s great. But then it gets bad. So bad. It burns hard and fast and … out.
And so, I had to call it quits. To maintain the stability that I worked so hard to maintain. And now? Now, I work to preserve that stability. Everyday. For me. For Aiden.
I'm walking in my destiny. And, as Lucille O'Neal puts it, like I've got somewhere to go. Because I do.
What about you? What's the hardest thing that you've worked for?