Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Ending the Relationship: Facing the Facts and Calling It Quits

I was sitting at Aiden's toddler table across from him. He was eating lunch and I was reading him a story. By then, I'd figure out that one of the best ways to keep the kid seated while eating was to read him some of his favorite stories.

It was a Saturday afternoon and just the night before, Aiden's other parent and I were talking about our upcoming trip/ my friend's wedding in Hawaii. We were more so deciding if I still wanted him to come on the trip than anything else.

The domestic violence incident occurred weeks before and he was being seemingly nice and charming and "loving" -- all the things that classic abusers do oh so well during the fleeting "honeymoon" phase when they are trying to pretend as though nothing ever happened get back into their victim's good graces.

I'd already made up in my mind that it was time to end the relationship.

"So... can I still come to Hawaii with you guys?" he asked.
"Fine. Come to Hawaii, but when we get back, you have to leave."
"Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do?" Seriously?! Isn't it too little too late for the guilt trip?
"Find someplace else to live." I blurted out.

I glanced over at Aiden. He didn't entirely understand the dialogue that was taking place between his parents, but he sensed that something was up. His whole demeanor changed and he started to get increasingly fussy and irritated.

"So... you're just gonna give up?" the other parent asked.
"We're not good together. We're miserable." What I actually want to say is, "I'm miserable," but I was trying to reason.
"It's you! Nothing I do makes you happy. I'm trying really hard and it's not making you happy."

Whoa! Pause.

I wasn't having that discussion. Not again. I could have argued it -- again. I could have gotten defensive -- again. And I could have reminded him of his violent outbursts and temper tantrums -- again. But I didn't.

"You're right, " I said. "It is me. I'm not happy. With you. In this relationship."

Aiden finished the last of his lunch, although I'm sure more of it was on his table than in his stomach. I gathered his plate and cup, and headed towards the sink.

"It's over." I said with one last glance at the other parent.

The next week we all went to Hawaii together. I was a bridesmaid (always a bridesmaid...) and Aiden was a ring bearer in my friend's wedding.

Me (bridesmaid). My friend's cousin (groomsman).

Aiden (ring bearer). Our little friend (mini-bride).

Aiden, getting down on the dance floor.

When we got back the following week, I politely requested that he not unpack his luggage, but simply pack the rest of his things and keep it moving. How does the Beyonce song go again? "To the left, to the left..."

And so he did.

And so the relationship ended. 

Kind of overdue. I mean, I probably should have faced the facts and called it quits weeks prior. But like I previously mentioned, that's not always how it works.

Everything happens on its own time, right?

Truth is, there were way too many downs and not nearly enough ups. I gave it my best shot -- and then some! But it didn't work. So I fold. And sometimes folding totally feels like wining when the stakes are too high and there's too much to loose (ie: my well-being). This was definitely one of those times. Sometimes you just gotta learn when to walk away...

I've definitely had my moments of "This is who I chose to be the father of my child?! This is who I picked?!" But that guilt does nothing but take away energy from me. Energy that deserves to be spent on taking care of Aiden and being positive and living a full -- and fulfilling -- life.

I picked the wrong guy. Maybe I had bad judgment back then. Maybe I wanted or needed to feel loved. Maybe I was too hungover to pick up on the red flags (hey... sh*t happens). Maybe I was too young. Maybe I was too naive...

That's just something that I'll have to live with, but I refuse to dwell on it. There are too many great things that I have yet to accomplish, too many lessons to learn, too many places to visit, too many people to help, too many hearts to touch. 

I have life to live!

So I don't dwell. I just embrace motherhood. Young motherhood, single motherhood, because be that as it may, it's still been pretty freakin' delicious. 

**If this post spoke to you in some way, click the "Like" button. You never know how you may help someone else going through a similar situation.**

{Every few days, I'll get an email or a message from one of you Lovelies asking me something along the lines of "How'd you make it this far as a [happy] single mom?" I've always tried to be transparent with certain parts of my life on here because I want others to see that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Silver lining. This post was written specifically for a member of the Mommy Delicious community who is going through a similar situation that I went through over a year ago. (Wow... seems like a lifetime ago!). Stay strong, Love. You have an entire community rooting for you. xoxo}


  1. Thanks so much for sharing and being strong. Very admirable!

  2. I love your courage and your wisdom. I think being truthful and transparent for the sake of others is so loving. You are an inspiration. and gorgeous! aiden too. :)

  3. I can definitely relate to this post. I've neen single for 3 years and it took a lot to end that relationship especially since a child was involved. Many times we put up with so much more than we should but when we are done, there's no turning back. I'm glad you found the end in order to find your happiness.

  4. I think you did the right thing by ending it, from what I read anyway. There's no use in staying with someone who's abusive. And even if that someone is not abusive, there's no use in staying with someone you're not happy with.

    I don't think you should be guilt tripping about it either. We all make bad choices. Besides, it's not that bad as you enjoy motherhood, so Aiden at least has one good parent and that can be more than enough!

  5. Hi Lady!

    Yes, it me! I came on to see what my blogger friends were writing, and it appears all is well with you. Glad to read you are moving on and forward with life. Aiden looked so cute! I really, sort-of-kinda miss those days when my boys were as young, but now I am enjoying them as men. Take care!

  6. Great post. Thanks for being so transparent as always. There is life after heartbreak and I am glad you saw that and are inspiring others to do the same.

  7. In this case folding was DEFINITELY winning!!! You made a tough decision that many women wouldnt have been able to make for years and years and years! As always, love your honesty and your candor.

  8. Well, the important point is that you did move on. And look what the lesson taught you and what you have now in Aidan.

    PS: You look so pretty in that coral dress!

  9. thanks for sharing. great post. i hope your strength inspires other. i know it will.

  10. I like your story. Makes me feel like I made the right decision too. I'm still hurting, but I know that I'd rather this than to STILL be miserable.
    I love the pics, esp. Aidan getting down!

  11. @Globetracer -- Even if you're still hurting, you're most like 1,000 more steps than you were before. Believe that you're in a better place. xoxo

  12. You've fought hard to be where you are Alicia and you deserve all the great things happening in your life. Congrats!

    You probably received (versatile blogger award) this award before but I couldn't think of anyone else more deserving, plus I really love your blog!

    Find the award at http://www.beautyandthegreen.blogspot.com


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