Monday, June 20, 2011

Lessons From My Ex



I have a firm belief that exes should be a thing of the past. In fact, my philosophy has grown to "We didn't make it as a couple, so you need to not exist anymore." This may sound a little harsh and judge as you may, but I reserve my "ex energy" for having the necessary conversations and making the necessary transactions pertaining to Aiden. It makes my life that much easier. 

Something changed last week as my ex and I were in the middle of a quick "Aiden-specific transaction" in that I actually spoke to him for longer than five minutes. Although it was a bit superficial, our conversation centered around where our lives are right now. 

Speaking with him certainly reaffirmed my decision to end the relationship and happily move forward with my life. I'll admit that I felt a little sadness when he first moved out of my apartment because it hurts to know that I gave my all to a relationship, but my all still wasn't enough. 

As I stood there talking to him in public (refer to this post if you need to know why), I realized that there are several things that I can accredit to our time together -- besides the fact that I now have a beautifully sweet and lovable son. 

One thing's for sure: that relationship pushed me into becoming the woman that I am today. It may have been a rude awakening, to say the least, but it pushed me hard. And fast. And I've taken away lessons that will continue to push me as I become the woman that I am meant to be. 

That relationship also helped me learn even more about who I am and what I'll stand for. I kick ass at life by giving myself fully and giving my all to everything that I do, and for me, romantic relationships are no exception.

But as my good friend Tessa over at Real Sorbet once stated, "he loved selfishly" (can you even call it love?!) and I love selflessly... that's a bad combination! 

The lesson here is not to not love, but knowing who to love. And knowing how much I'm worth. And recognizing when something doesn't add up to what I'm worth. And knowing how to say, "peace out" when enough is enough. 

Getting caught up in a toxic relationship can happen to the best of us. But all we can do is live and learn and try not to make the same mistakes over and over again. 

After all, growing pains are there to help us become our best selves -- surely they hurt enough to push us to that "best" self!

And to me, being introspective enough to learn the lessons and move forward takes guts. Lots of guts. So high fives all around to you and you and you!

22 comments:

  1. I love the woman you are growing into! Stay encouraged! :)

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  2. Did I write this? LOL this sounds just like me. Greatly written.

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  3. Aiden is a fortunate boy to have such a resilient mommy. You have a very strong and healthy perspective!

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  4. Your a strong woman and an inspiration for both single and married women!

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  5. Wonderful post, Alicia! You are an inspiration. Things haven't been easy - but I think you are so right. It's these difficult experiences that push us in the direction of being better people. Aiden is so lucky to have you as a mother.

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  6. I had a similar experience last week. Glad you can see the beauty in moving forward.

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  7. it takes a very strong woman to move on with their life after a relationship especially when there is a child involved. Kudos to you, you and you! i have a friend in a similar situation and i wish she would find her strength to reinvent herself! to see the beauty in moving forward. great post!

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  8. I agree with you on ALL points. 1) Exes are exes for a reason, 2) I tend not to be interested in any "friendly" contact with them (beyond courtesy), and 3) those past relationships arent a total waste... because we really do learn and grow from each one.

    Stumbled this!

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  9. Not harsh at all! That's my philosophy too!

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  10. PREACH!!!! I am a firm believer that exes are exes for a reason and you have to go through the bad to know what the the good ones are like.

    Everything in life happens for a reason and must of the time there is a lesson to be learned.

    Excellent post!

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  11. You go girl! It's kind of hard to keep exes like this in the past, because the children keep you connected, so yes, it's good to LEARN from "them" so you don't make the same mistakes again!

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  12. This is such a great post. I think we can all come out stronger than ever after a toxic relationship. Glad that you can see how much better off you are now!

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  13. Despite what you have grown through, at least you were able to obtain a very valuable lesson. In my situation, I was able to take several with me when I chose to walk away. It had been the most liberating experience of my life. I had reintroduced myself to the belief that I control me.

    Carla - www.est1987.net

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  14. I too believe in leaving exes in the past but you do have one very important reason for making it work and your attitude is a healthy one. It's cliche but time really does heal all and the more distance you get from it, the better you'll be able to see the positive you learned from it. Love the part about knowing who to love. So true and so hard for some reason...

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  15. well said! All of us have bad experiences, but so few learn from them! You are a good role model!

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  16. When a child is involved its sometimes hard to completely "AX" the ex, lol. Though sometimes I wish we could... Handling the situation with dignity, grace and the "never again spirit" really helps to keep them in line and it makes us really happy with our decision. You are an inspiration, another wonderful post.

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  17. Love this! I am a big believer in "everything happens for a reason" and our past relationships happened for a reason...so we know what NOT to do in future ones. ;)

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  18. Love this! I think back on my ex. Hmmmm...you really hit some key parts that I didn't think of. Guess that's why he's an Ex!

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  19. Yes Yes and YES!

    You know I've been there... and it takes time to heal, and take the lessons from it. I feel the same way about exes. They're my Ex for a reason. But every so often you do get that little silver lining that says, "I made a kick ass choice to move on" and it's sooo healthy to pat yourself on the back as a result.

    You will find someone who will be deserving of you, love you selflessly and show you every day just how amazing you are.

    Here's a little reminder to keep in your virtual pocket:

    "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4 - Bible

    Best,
    Li
    @LaLicenciada
    @HerDeepThoughts

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  20. We are all a product of our experiences and it's so great when you can take the positive from it and be the best you! :) Loved this post! :)

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  21. Amazing post Alicia!!! I love it. I can't believe how much you've grown and changed since I first stumbled across your blog!!! <3

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  22. POW. I read this at just the right time. Although I don't write about KT's father and my relationship it sucks kinda. Here's the short version it took me 11 years to move into the place you are in and that's keeping the conversation about the kid. I'd listen to his troubles, chat it and just work extra hard to be all cordial. I felt like if I did these things he'd be a great dad to KT.

    Well that isn't so. He doesn't have what I think makes a great father. Doesn't mean he's not a good father, he's just not the best at making the situation we have work. Here's why he's suppose to get his son for his once a year visit (this is all he musters up unless I bring KT to him or travel someplace that makes his travel time easiter). Well I decided this year I'm no longer going to drive to meet him. If you drive for 6 hours do 2 more. Get your son.

    This year I'm not down. I'm busy with grad school and resting before I return to work. I've never blocked him from seeing his son but I can'tn continue making it easy for him. He has a wife, 2 kids and a live in mother-in-law. I have me and my support system.

    So like you I'm glad I dodged that bullet. I would have been miserable! We are polite but there's no reason to do anything more than keep it KT-specific :)

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