Monday, August 2, 2010
Doing It With Love
To say that my pregnancy was unplanned is an understatement. A huge one. I totally and completely, with every fiber of my being, did NOT plan to have a baby at my young age.
I mean, I knew it could happen because I was doing the deed and not taking precautions for it not to happen, but... I just didn't expect it to happen. To me.
At the first sign that I was pregnant when little miss flow did not make her special appearance, I was in denial. I just didn't believe it. I mean, it couldn't happen to ME, right?
At the second sign that I was pregnant when I was hovering over the toilet bowl at 5am throwing up what felt like all of my insides, I was still in denial. I chalked it up to the bad Mexican food that I ate the night before.
The third sign came a few days later. As I sat on the toilet and starred down at the positive sign on the pregnancy test, I was like DAMN! But I was still a bit in denial. I mean, it could have been a false positive, right?
So I went to see my GYN. And she tested me to see if I was pregnant. And I was. But of course. As I laid on the examination table for the first sonogram, she said, "There it is. That's your baby."
My most immediate thoughts: mother eff!! OMG!!! Sh#t!! Aww f#$*!!!
Then, with tears in my eyes, I thought, "Is that my baby? Am I going to be a mother?!"
Then the fear sank in. Along with some more less-than-appropriate words. Sh#t!! How am I gonna DO this? How am I gonna tell people? What about my life? What will others say?
I resented my pregnancy A LOT. In fact, I kept it a secret for about 5 1/2 months. Really. The only people who knew about it were my Ob/gyn, the father-to-be, and me. Really. It took me along time to muster up the courage to tell people. And sport my baby bump as proudly as I could.
As I wrote in a previous post, I still loved my unborn child. But maybe if I got to live and experience life a little more, I wouldn't have resented my pregnancy as much... maybe if I wasn't so ashamed that I wasn't yet married... maybe if I didn't pay attention to the stares and looks of pity from people... maybe if I wasn't so concerned with what others would say or think. Maybe, just maybe, I would have actually been able to -- GASP! -- enjoy my pregnancy.
But, at some point during my pregnancy, I decided that this WAS my life. And I decided that I was going to make LOVE be the driving force behind everything that I did for my unborn child. And after he came into this world.
So I decided to do right by him. I went to all my doctors appointments, read all the books and magazines, went to the birthing classes, ate right, exercised, and took a tour of the hospital.
I was determined to give this baby the best gosh darn life that I possibly could.
And I have.
And I am.