Ten Years In the Game

Aiden turned ten the other day and my mind is blown at the fact that I actually have a ten-year-old. That I've actually been responsible for the growth and development and well-being of another person for ten whole years. That I've actually survived -- and thrived -- at this thing called Motherhood.

Whew!

That kid.

He makes me laugh, smile, think critically, contemplate, cry, go back to the drawing board, think some more, parent the hell out of him, and repeat.

Aiden and I... we've been through some things together. Even though I've been raising him, he's seen me grow up and glow up. He's seen me through many stages and phases. He's seen me through ups and downs, highs and lows. He's seen me fail over and over again, buckle down, grind through, and crawl towards success.

Aiden knows what it's like to watch his mother grind.

Apple picking in NJ 

Disney World

He knows what it's like to wake up at 5am and get dropped off at the babysitter's house because mommy's gotta get to work. Then fall back asleep for an hour or two and get dropped off at school at 8:30am by the babysitter, not your mom. Then get picked up from school by the babysitter and not see your mommy until well into the evening.

Because we've been there.

He knows what it's like to nap under the desk in my office because, even though he was tired from waking up at 5am, we couldn't go home until the work got done.

Because we've been there.

Modeling Uggs at Kids Fashion Week aka PetiteParade

Ballet-ing it up!

Columbia University, my alma mater

He knows what it's like to be displaced and still have to wake up the next morning at 5am to get mommy to work on time and himself to school on time. Because momma don't play that.

And yes... we've been there too.

He's seen me go from a stressed and stretched-too-thin graduate student to a stressed and stretched-too-thin single mom to a broke recent grad to a busy employee. He's seen me figure out how to make it all work in order to become the Vice Principal that I am today.

He's been right in the thick of things when we were a family of three, then a family of two, then a family of three again, and now a family of four. (No, I'm not pregnant -- yes, I'm including HEB in our little family.)

He's seen me struggle financially and borrow from Peter to pay Paul and make a dollar out of fifteen cents. But he's also seen me sacrifice and save and pay for some pretty epic adventures and vacations. From the beaches on the Jersey Shore to museums in Philly to ice skating and sight-seeing in Chi-Town to Puerto Rico to Costa Rica to cruising all over the Caribbean... we've had a crap load of fun. Together.

Philly

NYC

Chicago

Costa Rica

Jersey Shore

Puerto Rico

He's seen me learn -- the hard way -- that I've gotta take care of myself first. Especially if I'm gonna be the kick-ass mom that he deserves.

Speaking of kick-ass, he's seen me advocate for him and cheer him on and fight like hell to get him what he needs to be successful. He's seen me be thoughtful in the parenting game and get him what he needs -- be it counseling, a psychiatric evaluation, participation in sports, or supervised visits with his other parent. One thing Aiden knows for sure is that I will never not fight like hell for him.

Because we've been there.

And I'll always find more fight inside of me when it comes to that little boy.

He's seen me lose my cool and get it back again. He's seen me lose my way, get stuck, get unstuck, and try to find my way back to myself again. Another again.

And yet, raising him has taught me that I don't have to be defined by my worst decisions. I can learn and grow and move forward. Gracefully. I can bow out of toxic situations and toxic relationships. Safely. And gracefully. I can show up for myself and put on my oxygen mask first.. before taking care of him.

Ten years.

Of ups and downs and losses and lessons learned.

Ten years.

We made it. We're making it.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

What Progress Feels Like

A few weeks ago, I made the decision that I was going to start showing up for myself in everything that I do.

I came to that conclusion because I was quite literally in the midst of being stretched too thin and having a breakdown. Again. 

I mean, I do so much for other people. For Aiden. For August. For my students. For my teachers. For my family. For HEB. But that whole notion of the strong black woman who does everything for everyone else and goes without? That no longer sits well with me.

Because while I'm doing all these things for other folks, who's doing things for me? Who's making sure that I've eaten, that I'm handling my stress and workload well? Who's making sure that I'm sleeping alright and working out and drinking enough water? Who's making sure that I'm doing well physically and mentally and all that jazz? Who's checking for me?

The answer? Not enough people.

Because I come off as strong and put together and kinda, sorta, maybe, quite alright -- whatever that means -- then folks are going to think that it's okay not to check up on me.

But you know what?

I'm learning to show up for myself. I'm learning to create boundaries and stick to them. Even if it means someone is going to be upset with me. They will deal! I'm learning to have difficult conversations with folks and stick up for myself. Even if it means they will be upset with me.

I'm learning to teach people how to treat me by showing them how I treat myself.

And you know what? It feels damn good, this progress.

I kinda like this version of Alicia.

Fixer Upper, Apartment Style: Boys Room

HEB and I recently officially moved in together after unofficially living together over the past 3-4 years. Which means that the boys and I recently moved. Which means that I've been getting my Fixer-Upper-meets-Property-Brothers-meets-House-Hunters-Renovations on. And it's actually been really fun!

I didn't think I had it in me, but painting, sanding things down, and transforming furniture pieces and different spaces makes me feel very accomplished! Apparently I missed my calling as an Interior Designer.

I used minimal paint for the room since I had these cool peel-and-stick triangles sticker thingys that I wanted to use all over the walls. Also, it's such a quick way to transform a space -- it literally took me 10 minutes to put them up! I still may go back to paint the walls at a later time, but for now... white it is!

Because the room isn't large and the closets practically take up one full wall... and I wanted to keep Aiden's lofted Ikea Kura bed, I decided to paint the bed white. Ya know, to make it seem less bulky and sleek and whatnot. (At least that's what the design expects say to do.)

Here's a picture of what the bed looked like before:

I removed the letters A-I-D-E-N and the toy car, wiped down, sanded, and painted that bad boy with three coats of white paint. (Thank you YouTube and all the design blogs out there for hooking a sistah up!)

I kept some of his storage baskets and toy chest because the kid has mad toys and puzzles and little big boy things. I added a bean bag to his under bed area because he loves to sit and read there... or watch football videos on his iPad... or eat snacks. It's become his little oasis and I think it's so cute.

Then I threw some chalkboard paint up on some of the closet doors, hung up the kids' art work here and there, and voila! The #BROS room was made!

With the wall space and storage space above the closets, it was really fun designing different areas of the room. It all ties together, but they definitely feel like distinct spaces within the space. (Ha! I sound like an Interior Designer already!)

Also, I learned that the key to making spaces shine in pictures is... close ups. Seriously! It's makes a world of difference when showcasing a space.

Filed under: Things no one tells you about decorating and designs and pics and ish. #MindBlown

The big challenge was fitting Aiden's lofted bed and August's crib in the space, which took some navigating and moving things around several times before I settled on this current layout. I totally overestimated how much space the room had when I toured the apartment so next time I'll use measuring tape for things like this.

Another (less big) challenge was hiding the door that connects the boy's room to the master bedroom because I do not want them as extended roommate. Which is why the navy curtain is so important.

A third (more obvious) challenge was the shared space challenge. Space ain't all that full and plentiful in NYC so these bros had to share a room. And I wanted to make the space feel fun enough for a toddler, yet cool enough for a 10-year-old.

Mission accomplished, I think.

What are your thoughts on the space? Also, who wants to come help me paint the entry way hallway, master bedroom, and kitchen?

On Learning How To Show Up For Myself

When in NOLA... #beignets #yum

"You look so happy!," read one of the comments on my Instagram page a couple weekends ago.

In the picture, I was smiling... I was moving... I was grooving. And I was happy.

I was in NOLA for the weekend on a self-care retreat (shout-out to all the attendees of #HereWeGrow17). For the first time in what seemed like a very long time, I put everything off to the side and I focused on myself for three days.

I listened to inspiring talks from women who reminded me to take care of me; I got a massage; I tried acupuncture; I meditated and did some yoga; I ate good food. And beignets. Lots of beignets. I ate lunch poolside and had great girl talk; I had dinner with my sister-friends and we chatted about all things love and life and getting our minds right; I walked along Bourbon Street and drank 1/3 of a Hand Grenade (that drink was strong!); I soaked in the NOLA sun and replenished my mind, body, and spirit.

It was literally just what I needed to feel rejuvenated.

Tara (the mastermind behind the entire weekend), Amber, and Yours Truly

Throughout the weekend, I kept thinking how happy I felt that I made the time for myself. And showed up for myself. Leading up to the weekend, so many things got in the way of me actually going (like childcare!) and, at one point, I remember thinking that I was just going to cancel. That would have been the easier thing to do anyway.

But I didn't do that.

I listened to my heart and listened to what I truly needed. It ended up being the best weekend that I had in a very long time. And not just because I was in a different city or away from it all. It was because I showed up for myself and gave myself the permission to just be.

And what I needed was time to be... me.

Alicia.

Not the mom. Not the girlfriend. Not the Vice Principal. Not the blogger. Not errand-runner. Not the reminder of all the things that everyone needs to do and all the places that everyone needs to go. Not the house-cleaner or the laundry-washer or the lunch-preparer or food delivery person ('cuz, let's be forreal: I hardly cook and I don't like to do it anyway.)

Just... me.

And you know what? It made me happy. Very happy.

The look on my face when I
choose to show up for myself!

Real talk: I need to do more things like this for myself. And I need to show up for myself more often. Because my needs are important too. But no one is going to honor my needs if I don't honor them first. If I need sleep, I'm going to sleep. If I need to talk to a friend, I'm going to call. If I need to cry-it-out or dance-it-out or run-it-out, I'm going to do that. If I need to take 45 minutes to myself, I'm going to take it. If I need to create a boundary because I've had enough of something, I'm going to do just that.

And everyone else is just going to have to deal. 'Cuz this delicious mommy needs to recharge if I'm gonna be any good to anyone.

Showing up for myself. It's not selfish. It's self-care.

{Kids Style File} Twining With Mickey

shirt and jeans: H&M | kicks: Vans | vest: BabyGap | smile: August 

True story: August loves Mickey Mouse. Like, loves. With all his heart. Matter of fact, these days the kid has been watching entirely too much Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Mickey and the Roadster Racers on TV. And I ain't even ashamed to say it. Because: live your best life, August.

Live. Your. Life!

The other day when we got home from Aiden's homecoming football game, this little babe walked into the living room, walked up to the TV, turned it on, climbed into his chair, made himself comfy, and settled in to watch Mickey.

All by his lonesome. As if he had a rough day and needed to relax.

Babies these days!

Peep the smile, y'all!

A lot like love...

Since Mickey is his homeboy (he needs that on a t-shirt, by the way), it was only fitting to do a fall-styled photoshoot with Mickey.

And August was all for it. Because: love!

August: What up, M?

Side profiling

We recently moved (more on that later) and it's been a whirlwind with unpacking, getting into the grove of things, and getting my Fixer-Upper-meets-Property-Brothers-meets-House-Hunters-Renovations on.

I'll share pictures of the new place soon, but for now... I'm taking a moment to breathe and take it all in.

For the last three months of the year (seriously... where the heck did 2017 go?!), I plan on doing more of the things that makes me smile. Like loving on my babies, hanging with my friends, writing, and taking all the pictures of my cute babies (#DontDebateMeOnThis #TheyAreCute).

And you should too. Because: YOLO!

Happy October, lovelies! Let's all take a tip from Baby August and live our best lives!

That Time I Reached My Breaking Point

Image via google

Me: Remember [redacted]?

Aiden: August's old nanny? Yeah.

Me: Starting tomorrow, she’ll be taking you to school and picking you up.

Aiden: But… why?

Me: Because... it was stressing me out running all over the place trying to get you to school, pick you up, pick August up, and then get you to football practice. I was very tired and sad by the end of the day. And I don’t want to be anymore. So I hired [redacted] back to help out. I’m sad that we won’t have that train ride together anymore, but it’s just something that I need to do.

Aiden: Okay.

That was a conversation that I had with Aiden a couple weeks ago. Up until then, my days were spent running around from one place to the next, trying to keep it all together… and failing. Miserably.

Up until then, my days would go something like this:

I wake up, check the time. Shucks, it’s 5:30am already. Ugh! I just went to bed! Snooze for a few minutes. Convince myself to get out of bed. Get the kids’ lunches together. (I know Aiden can pack his own, but no sense in both of us being miserable. He might as well sleep in a little longer.) Wake Aiden up. He groans and grunts. Can’t blame the kid – I feel the same way! A few moments later, we’re out the door, heading to the subway. I read to Aiden while on the train. It’s our thing and it’s our time. Get Aiden to school. Hugs, kisses, and lots of you-can-do-it pep talks. Dash on the train to get to Harlem in time for work.

Whew!

I’m already wiped out, but it’s only 7:20 in the morning. But I push through. I attempt to boss-it-up and not act as crappy as I feel. Glance at the clock. It’s 1pm already. I gotta get someone to pick Aiden up from school. Text all the parent friends that I know. Can anyone pick Aiden up for me today? Afterschool hasn’t started yet and I’m at work. I’ll owe you big time! Pray for a response. Let out a sigh of relief when I get a “yes” from his BFF’s mom. Dash over to Aiden’s BFF’s house after work to pick him up.

With Aiden, dash back down to Brooklyn to pick August up from daycare before the cut-off time. Miss the cut-off time. Crap. I hate all the things right about now. Vow to pay the $25 late fee by tomorrow – and be on time! (I’ll pay the fee, but can’t really guarantee that I’ll be on time. #Shrugs) Glance at my phone. Crap! We’re late for football practice. Take the bus over to the football field and get Aiden changed into his football gear while at the field. #DontJudgeMe #ItsBeenALongDay #AndItAintOverYet

Head over to a nearby restaurant to try to find August something relatively healthy for dinner. Sit for the first time in hours while Aiden finishes up practice and August eats dinner. Take the train home after practice. Get the boys showered, snacked up, hugged up, and in bed.

Breathe… for the first time since 5:30 in the morning. Glance at the clock. Crap. It’s after 10 and I’m beat. Beyond beat. Shower. Down a bowl of cereal. Get in the bed.

Crash.

Wake up the next morning.

Rinse.

Repeat.

Over and over again until I’m filled with so much stress and anger (towards everyone and everything) and resentment that the tears don’t even fall anymore.

Damn. This can’t be God’s plan for my life. (My therapist seems to think so too.)

I can’t take it anymore. Something’s gotta give. (My therapist seems to think so too.)

And so…

I made some drastic changes.

I re-hired my old nanny to help shuttle Aiden to and fro throughout the week. I started to send the laundry out instead of doing it myself. I put HEB on bedtime duty for August so that I could relax a little. And, most importantly, I didn’t feel guilty about any of those things.

I’m still busy and I’m still tired at the end of the day, but I have so much time and energy freed up from my schedule. There aren't as many "tabs" open in my head. And, most importantly, I’m no longer miserable.

And that’s what matters the most.    

Baby steps, y'all. Baby steps.