Friday, November 4, 2011

Dating Shenanigans -- From Casual to... Exclusivity?

Dating someone is fun and light. When it’s fun and light. Repeatedly dating the same someone – recurring great dates – can get a little bit tricky. Because it kind of goes from “just dating” to actually “seeing someone.” And thus begins the gray area.

Also known as Limbo Land.

Also known as “So… what exactly are we doing here?”

Also known as pre-exclusive relationship hell.

There seem to be two kinds of people in this type of relationship. There’s the person who thinks, “This is great! I wonder how long it can last.” For them, it’s actually not hell at all. It’s pre-exclusive heaven on earth.

Then there’s the other kind. The kind who sits home on a Friday night, glass of wine in hand, staring at the phone and willing the other person to call (never works, in case you’re wondering) and thinks – in agony, “How LONG is this going to last?!

[Totally not talking about myself here.]

That person – the latter – knows that one can either get fired or promoted in this role. That person – the latter – wants to have “The Talk,” but doesn’t want to have “The Talk.” That person -- the latter -- likes the beginning and infatuation phase and wants to extend it for as long as possible. They also want to make sure that they actually want to stop dating other people and just see one person to see if it can lead to something more serious. Ah, the conundrum.

Not just floating around as a placeholder (until something better comes along) or worse, a holding pattern (way too hard to get out of), but something meaningful (the beginning of building something amazing).

The title.

The label.

The upgrade to “boyfriend/girlfriend” status.

Are you the first or the second kind of person? And how long do you (did you) wait before having “The Talk?” What are some factors that you consider?


  1. Alicia, my husband and I didn't have the talk. We had only been dating for a short time, but it felt as if we had known each other all our lives, and so when he asked me to be his wife, I just said yes without any reservation. LOL's. So, I don't know how to categorize our courtship.

  2. When I was dating I would just let it ride. I didn't want to have a talk.

    Shortly after I met my husband he basically told me we were a couple! But I was head over heels so it was ok!

  3. Just found your blog and I really enjoy it.

    My husband and I met when we were in college (freshman year, ripe age of 18) and dated within three months of knowing each other. He would always speak in a future tense and say things like, "When we graduate and we move____" and eventually he would say things like, "When we get married we ___". Finally I told him, sophomore year, that I was going to Denver for graduate school and if he wanted to come with me I'd love that but we wouldn't be living together unless we were married. He said something like, "So you mean I'd have to live in a different apartment if we weren't married." and I said, "Yup."

    We got married two weeks after our college graduation and moved to Denver two weeks after that and I could go on and on...

    Point being, I was never one to play house. I think a lot of women get caught up in playing a wife role..When my thinking is: If you want me to act like your wife..then make me your wife.

  4. Hey thans so much for the facebook follow! Hmmm I've been married for so long I don't even remember what it feels like to date...but I think I would like open communication right away, I always need to know!!

  5. The sad part about this is, it's a Friday night, and I'm sitting home with a glass of wine thinking, 'I'm sitting home on a Friday night'. Not that it's out of the norm for me to be home on a Friday night, being that I have a toddler and all, but I was just about to have a 'whoa is me' moment with the drama of my current 8 yr relationship, and this completely snapped me out of it. I hope to God I'm the first girl...

  6. Well me and DH met online.... and we enjoyed email and phone chat for a bit. Then we met and had a few dates and really connected. We had already talked about titles and labels and the like during the "talking" phase. I had made it clear to him that i was an old-fashioned, southern gal and that i DID value labels and DID expect him to officially ask me to be his girlfriend when the time was right (instead of us just assuming we were exclusive, or it remaining up in the air for an indefinite time). So maybe after 3 dates or so (the course of a month?) he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was sweet. :-) This big, ole' New Yorker stumbling over this question so sweetly and genuinely.

    Ummm, not sure if I answered your question. But I guess I'd have to say that - prior to meeting DH - I was usually the latter girl - the one waiting by the phone, hoping its him, and ready to take things to the next level! Lmaooo!! Yeah, that was me. *smh* Always ready to be married and have dem babies.

  7. My husband and I became exclusive after a couple of weeks of "talking". I always knew he was the one. I'm sure if we were not so young we would have married then.

  8. Such a great post! Reluctantly I have to admit that I was the latter person. I ALWAYS waited by the phone hoping for the boy to call and wondering. I never wanted to date just because, I wanted to date to find the person I would spend the rest of my life with; for a purpose.


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