Why Sometimes I Think I'm Getting This Motherhood Thing All Wrong

Because August is 2-years-old and still uses his pacifier. And folks keep telling me that it's time for him to give it up, but I don't listen to them. I mean, I know he's not gonna walk into high school with a pacifier or go to college with it so I'm cool with him using it at two. But still...

Because despite all the books I read to him or all the songs I sing to him or all the talking I do with him, August is still not talking as much as Aiden was talking at his age. Heck, I used to forget that Aiden was only two because little dude was having big time conversations with me and his teachers and everyone around. August clearly understands what folks are saying and he's vocal about his wants and needs. But still...

Because somedays tantrums and backtalk are at the center of my life.

Because, speaking of backtalk, what the heck is in the water that these adolescents are drinking? And why the heck didn't anyone tell me that this phase of motherhood was coming down the pipeline? I mean, I know that Aiden is trying to assert himself and trying to assert his individuality (that's separate from me) and trying to find his way in the world that's scary and confusing and so many things. I "get" it. But still...

Because bedtime battles. 'Nuff said.

Because bath time battles.

Because I got Aiden interested in reading books and now he's excelling as a reader. But then we had to conquer math. And then I got him doing his thing in math and science and all that jazz. And now we have to conquer writing. And every time we get over one hurdle, there's another hurdle waiting like, "Hey y'all!".

Because it is a "we" thing and not a "he" thing because I'm in this with him. To guide him and cheer him on. Even when it's hard. But still...

Because it's always hard and never easy, especially if you wanna do this thing right.

Because there's always another mountain to climb.

Because once I master one phase of parenting, my kids seem to age-out of that phase and they're on to the next one. (That was a Jay-Z reference.)

Because I'm always playing catch-up with these ages and stages and phases and no one told me it would be like this.

Because I'm tired.

Because yesterday August was an infant and now homeboy's a full-on toddler. And yesterday was Aiden's first day of Pre-K and now he's about to graduate from elementary school and enter middle school.

Because middle schoolers in NYC travel to and from school by themselves and I'm not sure how I feel about that level of independence. Yet.

Because I still feel like I haven't told Aiden all the things he needs to know before he gets to middle school yet.

Because the days are long, but the years are short and I'm always racing against the clock to bottle it all up.

Even when I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. Sometimes.

Spring Breaking in Miami and Ft. Lauderdale

I'm not a Winter person. In fact, I hate the cold weather with a passion. I tolerate in during the holidays, but I'm literally ready for warmer temps as soon as it hits January 2nd. Which makes Winter really, really brutal for me.

Also, seasonal depression is a real thing.

A couple weeks ago, I was so over Winter that I booked a fairly last-minute trip to Florida for the boys and me. I just needed a few days of sunshine and warmer temps to get me through these last few weeks of NYC Winter (and since it was our spring break, I figured why not.)

I really wanted to go to Miami, but the flights were too expensive for all three of us so we flew into Fort Lauderdale, spent a couple of days there, and then took the metro over to Miami. So for an hour of our time (how long it took to get from Ft. Lauderdale to Miami) and five extra bucks (the price of the train ticket), we were in Miami.

Woot!

can't come to Florida without Mickey

Throughout our trip, we got to do all of the things that I love to do during the Summer -- dine outdoors, hang out at the playground, go to the beach, take long walks, and just sit in the sun. It was exactly what my spirit needed.

Except for when it got rough and I got tired of my kids and tired of being "on" 24/7 and tired of being the only one they could talk to all the time.

And tired of August's tantrums. I mean, it got to the point where I only fed him Pirate's Booty or cheetos because he would throw a tantrum for them and I was over it. But at least he had water and fruits, right?

And tired of Aiden's backtalk. I mean, is there something in the water for the pre-teens nowadays?! Dude's got a response for everything! Pray my strength and patience, y'all.

There's a reason that people go on trips with kids with more than one adult.

After a while, I needed a vacation from my kids. Comes with the territory, I suppose.

Needless to say, when we got back to NYC last week Friday, I sent August to daycare, sent Aiden to his bedroom, locked myself in my bedroom, and binge-watched TV shows while laying in bed and eating snacks.

Woot woot!

Talk about the perfect way to end my week off of work.

happiness is... 

Don't get me wrong: getting a little sunshine was exactly what this delicious momma needed to make it through these final weeks of Winter, but recharging after being "on" for so many days straight was also important.

Self-care y'all. Self-care.

Four Things I Learned at Date Night with Yvonne Orji

This past weekend, HEB and I had our first date night of the year by checking out Yvonne Orji (best known as "Molly" in the HBO series Insecure) at Carolines on Broadway.

Y'all.

She is so funny and we had such a good laugh and a great time!

And, in true Mommy Delicious fashion, I walked away with a few gems from the night. In no particular order, here are four things I learned from Yvonne Orji's stand-up act:

Have fun.
HEB and I had fun because she was having fun. Homegirl (can I call her that now?) came onto the stage dancing, she ended her act dancing, and she just starting dancing in the middle of her jokes. She laughed at her own jokes, and laughed with -- and at -- the folks in the audience. She was up there, all in her element, living her best life, and having fun while doing it. Definitely something to aspire to.

Own it. 
Yvonne was born in Nigeria and she owns her roots like it's nobody's business. During her act, she gave several shout-outs to the Nigerians in the room and rightfully so! She switched seamlessly from her American accent and her Nigerian accent in the middle of her jokes and it made them even funnier. She knows that her Nigerian heritage is what makes her who she is and she owns it. Confidently. Unapologetically.

Connections matter. 
Yvonne not only gave shout-outs to the Nigerians in the room, but also folks from all over the continent of Africa. She also gave shout-outs to the other Black women in the room (because: #blackgirlmagic). She told jokes, but also created moments where the audience was all like, "Yes, girl! I know what you mean!" She created so many moments like these throughout the show -- so many "me too" moments -- that the audience felt connected to her, connected to her stories, and invested in the entire show. Bottom line: connections matter. And telling your story matters. Which brings me to my next point...

Speak your truth. 
During her stand-up act, Yvonne spoke candidly about the fact that she only recently became able to enroll in auto-pay and reminded folks that auto-pay is not for convenience, but for the gainfully employed. (Word!) I remember reading an article in the Times a couple months ago about how she'll find a 2 Bros Pizza whenever she's in NYC to have a slice of pizza because there was a time in her career where she couldn't even afford that same $2 slice of pizza. She's not afraid to open up, speak her truth, and show people who she really is.

This is something that I try to do over and over again in this space because "highlight reels" don't get people through tough times. Only sharing the "good stuff" doesn't help other folks figure out how to make it through. Transparency is so important. It's like Mother O said, "What I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have."

Word.

2017 Taught Me...

Happy New Year's Eve!

2017 was a lot of things to so many of us, but regardless of how we feel about the year, here we are. We made it. We're making it. We've survived the worst days and soaked up the best days. And for that, I'm grateful.

I started the year off working on getting Aiden to be whole and making sure that everything is in place to help him be successful. That meant including a family therapist and psychiatrist to our village.

Then I took some time to reset and work on myself. I started individual therapy again and I'm happy to report that I've gone faithfully every week (except when one of us were out of town).

I've put in a lot of work and spent a lot of time getting to know (re-know) myself this year and I've learned so much about what I need to feel grounded and good and loved and... whole.

In 2018, I plan on holding on to that.

I moved in with HEB and learned that home decor is kinda my thing. I'm slowly fixing up (see what I did there?) every room of this apartment to make it look fly. I love that I'm flexing these creative muscles in ways that I never knew I could and I'm living it up as the Property Sistah (see what I did there?).

I've learned so much this year and I'm grateful for all the things 2017 taught me. Like...

To show up for myself. Always. In all ways. Because no one else is responsible for putting mr first except me.

To continue to find my happy place and fight like hell to stay in that place. Because no one else is responsible for making me happy except me.

To do more of the things that I actually want to do. And less of the things that I don't want to do.

To remember that "No." is a complete sentence. No explanations needed. "No." would suffice.

To fear less and to be fearless.

To stretch myself in ways that I never thought possible.

But to know my limits and to know when to say when. (I'm only human and, sometimes, I need to take breaks. And that's quite alright.)

To apologize when I've made a mistake.

But to be unapologetic when I know that I'm doing what's right for myself and for my children.

To continue to be resilient in love and life. And to keep going through life with equal parts grit and glitter.

Here's to more blessings, more lessons, more time with friends and family, more adventures, more healing, and more love.

Just... more!

Here's to more life in 2018.

Onward!

Oh Twodles: Celebrating Two Years of August

Bubbles Galore!

I've been Mommy Delicious times two... for two years, y'all!

Last weekend, we celebrated August's 2nd birthday with his favorite character in the world -- Mickey Mouse! I've been all in my feels these past two weeks because I can't believe that I've kept the boys alive and safe and well and... happy! It's hard going from one to two kids because, like, they both have needs.

All the time.

At the same time.

And it's my job to show up and show out and make sure that they're needs are met.

I'm happy to report that, even with bumps along the way, I've been able to rock it out these past two years. Needless to say, it wasn't just a celebration of August and his awesomeness, it was a celebration for the entire family.

#bros 

We gathered some friends and headed to The Little Gym on the UWS, where the kids were able to run, jump, play, and flip out. Literally. The best part was seeing everyone love up on August.

A great time was had by all... especially my little Mickey obsessed toddler!

And because I'm obsessed with giving you the non-Instagram-worthy-highlight-reels version of events: Some folks cancelled either because of the snow or cold weather or life in general; We ordered way too much food and I've been eating the leftovers for lunch all week because I refuse to waste the money spent (silver lining?); At first, August was super scared of all the equipment overwhelmed by everything and super clingy to me, which, as you can imagine, was stressful; And I felt like I could have just bought a doggone bubble machine, set up shop in my living room, and watched as the little boy went to town with them because he basically played with bubbles the entire time. #ImJustSaying

Fantasy is what you want, but reality is what you need. #YeahISaidIt

And, of course, we all wore Mickey t-shirts. Because, why not?!

Happy birthday to my baby boy! Mommy super loves you!

{Relationship Stories} Making Adjustments

Me: Wanna know the difference between me and you? I came home, picked August up from daycare, stopped at the store to pick up more garbage bags and paper towels before coming home, came home, made dinner the kids, did August’s laundry, folded them, put them away, fed August, gave him a bathe, and got him ready for bed, read with Aiden, and hung up the pictures in the living room. You came home from work and watched TV on the bed while eating chips. You only went to the store after I asked you to buy a new pacifier for August. I’m tired too. You could have helped me with something. 

HEB: Or… you could have asked me to help. 

Me (In my head): This !@#$ing a—hole! Did he really just say that to me? What the entire f@#k?! 

Me (out loud): Or… you could have gotten off your ass and actually helped me?

HEB and I officially moved in together a few months ago after unofficially living together for the past few years. As in, both of our names are on the lease. As in, “oh crap! It just got real.” As in, he can’t go home when he needs time to himself and I can’t ask him to go home when I need space. As in, we’re in the same space. All. The Time. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week.

Needless to say, we’ve been making adjustments. I’ve been making adjustments. Not only on the space itself by getting my Fixer-Upper-meets-Property-Brothers-meets-House-Hunters-Renovations on (check out my upgrades to the boys’ bedroom and stay tuned for more updates!), but also on myself. And my expectations for what it means to live with another adult. Again.

It’s been… interesting.

Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love…

Here’s the thing: it’s not all cuddles on the couch while watching Love Jones and creating our own love jones story. It’s not all family game night and everyone playing nicely and eating ice cream and popcorn from the same container. It’s not all peaches and cream. (What up, 112?)

It’s messy. And sloppy.

Literally. Because he's really sloppy and he doesn’t clean up after himself. Still.

It’s going back and forth about who is more tired and who is going to go over the boys’ room in the middle of the night when August wakes up crying. It’s figuring out the division of labor and making sure that it’s “fair.”

It’s him drinking out of the juice bottle instead of pouring the damn thing in a glass and me getting upset about it. Again.

Another again.

It’s him telling me that I’m upset over one “little” thing and me explaining that I’m actually annoyed over 15 different little things that actually adds up to one big thing.

Again.

It’s not talking to each other or not listening to each other or not talking to each other in a way that the other person will understand it and receive it. It’s figuring out communication styles and then coming back to the drawing board because we just gotta get this thing right.

It’s… hard.

I know I misbehaved and you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow…

It’s passionate arguments and going to our separate corners and coming back to the drawing board. Again.

Another again.

It’s happiness and frustration. And intimacy and loneliness. And pettiness and growth. Lots of personal growth. It’s… making adjustments.

And you know what? Sometimes it is peaches and cream and hugs and snuggles and speaking each other’s love language.

And that makes it all worth it. 

{Kids Style File} To Be Fresh, Fly, and Ten-Years-Old

The other day, Aiden and I were out shopping and I found myself schooling him on how to tell if something is priced too high, what the actual worth of the product is, and how/where he could go to get a better deal. Because: bargain hunting! Duh!

Truth be told, I find myself doing that a lot these days with him -- schooling him on life. Particularly, things in life for when he doesn't have me standing right next to him to answer his questions or bail him out of a potential problem.

I find myself teaching him how to be smart and savvy. I find myself pointing things out that seem sketchy, suspect, a little weird. I find myself teaching him why it's important to exercise self-control, especially when he's riding these NYC trains. I find myself teaching him how to be a cautiously optimistic New Yorker.

Quite frankly, I find myself teaching him how to be independent.

Because homie is ten-years-old now. And although he still believes in the Tooth Fairy, the pre-teen years are upon us and before I know it, he's gonna be independent.

Before I know it, he'll be traveling to and from school on his own instead of having me chaperone him, he's gonna be hanging out with friends instead of having me bring him on a playdate, and he's gonna be learning how to navigate through life.

Before I know it, he'll be weaving in and out of friendships and learning how to find his way and find his people.

I'm not quite ready of all of that yet, but Aiden's excited and ready. I can tell. Plus, he's had years of experience of watching me hustle and grind.

Little by little, I know that I'll be able to foster a little more independence in him and help him become a little more self-aware.

And to think that just two years ago I was right in the thick of fighting like hell to get him to reach him full capacity and just last year we were right in the thick of making appointments with a psychiatrist and coming to terms with our "new normal".

I'm happy to report that these days, things are pretty damn good. *wipes forehead and brushes shoulders off* The kid is crushing it in school, he's really into sports, he has solid friendships and loves to hang out with them, he's learning how to control him impulses and manage his frustrations, and, most of all... he's happy.

He's happy.

My baby is happy.

And fly.

And dope-boy fresh. (Shout-out to Jay-Z.)

What a difference a year makes!